Bad Good Decisions

I've been trying to eat my 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day, and I've hit a horrible snag: I hate vegetables. Well, I don't really hate all vegetables, but I resent the fact that most of them take adding on salt or butter or cheese or dressing or oil before they taste good. I think there's a spectrum of vegetable value that ranges from carrots, at one end, to eggplant at the other. Carrots are great--full of vitamins, they're portable and not juicy, they store pretty well, and they taste fine, even if you don't put anything on them. You can even mix them with other vegetables to make them all go down better. Eggplants suck. They're a great color on the outside and they look like alien pods, but that's the only thing they have going for them because the best way to eat them is probably eggplant parmesan, which is probably the nutritional equivalent of sticking an eighth of a multivitamin inside the molten filling of a chocolate lava cake, sucking the whole thing down and then patting yourself on the back for eating a health food. AND, if you try to stick eggplant in with other vegetables to mask its horrible taste, all the others become tainted by its awfulness. 

The point is, if I'm going to eat vegetables, which I think I should, I can't take myself seriously if I dip them in fat. So I eat them plain. Even if it sort of kills my soul. As my cousin Jamee once said, "Pain is beauty." 

I've been trying to increase the amount of vegetables I eat relative to fruit. Ideally, I'd eat more vegetables than fruit each day. But that's gross, so for right now, I'm just trying to do the best I can and break even--which results in an overall higher amount of fruit/vegetable intake. 

Wednesday was a rough day for this plan. I ate carrots and celery and a banana and an apple, but I didn't want any more vegetables. I toyed with whether a tomato was a fruit or vegetable for a while, and I couldn't fathom trying to choke down radishes without any dressing. Finally, the answer came when my husband told me about work that day. I had packed him leftover chinese food with a big handful of green beans on top. I was hoping that in microwaving the food, the beans would get sort of steamed by virtue of being in there with the rice. (I was totally right, by the way). He said, though, that a co-worker saw him with his lunch and was adamant that my husband was doing it wrong--that uncooked green beans were poisonous. For some reason, this inspired me to eat the rest of the green beans. In fact, I ate one raw, but it was gross and awful. I'm pretty sure (well, now I'm really sure, because I didn't die) that raw green beans aren't poisonous, but they definitely taste like they are. 

As my husband watched my face contort in agony at the horrible flavor, he kindly volunteered to steam the beans for me. He's so nice. 

When they were done, I dumped them out onto a plate. There were so many. I looked on the bag to see what a serving size was because I thought it had to be fairly small--certainly less than was on the plate. To my horror, I learned that a full serving of green beans is 3/4 of a cup. I steeled myself for the painful process of crunching one bean after another, over and over, until green bean poisoning really did kick in and I died. But I found I couldn't hack it. There's no way I could eat all those beans one at a time. So I didn't....

they still tasted awful, but on the plus-side, I finally found my long-lost pearl earrings!

...and I made it to 5 servings after all!

Pre-Weigh in Jitters

Today my scale broke. Not in the sense that I was too big for it and it exploded, crushed to tiny smithereens by my immense bulk, which would have been moderately awesome, but instead I think it was resting on a tiny plastic ball from one of my dog's much abused toys. I moved it and things went back to where they should be. It was pleasant enough while it lasted though, because when I first stepped on, I had "lost" approximately 13lbs from last week. And because I was skeptical of that result, I stepped on again after it reset, and I had "lost" approximately 37lbs from last week. I was actually kind of bummed out by this point because I knew I hadn't really lost a leg and an arm over the past week, and it's important to me to at least have a reliable reading from week to week, even if it's not really accurate relative to all the other scales (I can't remember if I've said this before, but this scale displays your weight at about 5-7lbs heavier than doctor's office scales--the best scale is the wii fit, which shaves off 5-7lbs from doctor's office scales. I'm using the heavier-reading one this time around because it's the easiest of the three to set up and use. Despite being heavier, it has good test-retest reliability and, unlike the wii fit, will not zap my little cartoon mii with fatness and make it sad at the end of every weigh-in).
Oh, I want to mention at this point that I don't really think I have immense bulk or could smash scales or anything--though probably a kitchen scale wouldn't stand much of a chance (the ones I've shopped for only go up to about 12lbs).
So...the moral of the story is that the scale is back to reading approximately what it usually reads when I stand on it (actually, this week it weighs a little less but tomorrow's the final weigh-in so I'd better not jump the gun).
The bigger story this week is the failed cleanse. My husband and I decided to do this cleanse because we thought it would be a fun challenge. It's a 21-day challenge. The first week, you could eat fruit, vegetables and three 1/2 cup servings of brown rice, wild rice or lentils a day. The second, you added some lean protein, and the third, I can't remember what happened. Anyway, so day one we start--I'd done a lot of prep work the night before--but my husband ate a donut first thing in the morning . He did it again on day 2, and on day 3 he ate two donuts.
Ultimately, we abandoned the cleanse because I was sooo hungry all the time and I knew that I was losing weight too fast. I didn't want to go into starvation mode and pack on a ton of weight as soon as the cleanse was over. It was also the kind of restrictive diet that would make me fail. If I want to have ice cream, radishes are not a good substitute--I need to have a diet with some flexibility. Eat a little ice cream now, but make up for it by eating more vegetables and fewer calories later. It's one of the things I like so much about WW. There's nothing that's off-limits on WW, but the program trains you to work within the real world and make good choices despite all the pressures you normally face that would make you emotionally eat. For weight loss to be successful, you need to work within your regular life and make a fundamental lifestyle change. It's not just "be good for a couple of months and then do whatever you want when you're skinny," but maintaining a healthy and happy lifestyle.
But--the cleanse has brought a lot more vegetables into our diet, which is something to be grateful for.
Back to the title of the post: I get nervous before my weigh ins. I want to know NOW what I will weigh tomorrow. I usually have a rule that there can be only one weigh-in per week, but I've broken that a bit lately. I don't want to become obsessed with the number--so I need to get more firm about that. There's a lot more to life than worrying about the number, so I should let it go and concentrate on feeling better and better!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACK

So...I decided to take about 10 months off and regain all the weight I'd previously lost on WW. Ouch.
BUT--Now I'm back. I'm ready, and I'm committed, because in recent memory, I've experienced having lost weight and I felt a lot better about myself, my life and everything. I had a friend in high school who liked to conclude every day with, "Well, I'd like to think we made a difference today," in homage to every ridiculous movie ever made. When I eat right, I feel my own sense of self-righteousness that helps take the bitter sting out of not eating everything I want whenever I want it.
So...after my first week, I lost 2 pounds!! Go me!! (people also said I looked like I had lost weight)--who knew that losing 1/100th of your weight could be so rewarding?!
Right now I have an ingrown toenail. When I was little, I feel like I always heard about people dying from their ingrown toenails. And now I understand exactly how that could happen.
My husband and I worked out our budget last night. I also understand how people could die from that, too. But, we have our goals clearly in line now, and despite the terror I feel about my jobless situation and everything, it's better to have control over what little you have then just have your mind go blank in sheer terror when you think about it.
Anyway, with my ingrown toenail--I soaked a cotton ball in rubbing alcohol and then shoved a bunch of it between the offending toenail and my super-sensitive toe skin. I hope that will ease the drama a little bit, though it's still surprisingly painful.
I talked to a friend today about how growing up is the pits. At some point, the problems that result from your own lack of self control are just your own problems, and can't be blamed on anyone else. When we would go on trips I would think how I never wanted to grow up because my parents would do all the packing and cleaning up before and after the trip--with a little bit of our "help" of course, even when we were all so worn out from traveling and having fun. Some lingering vestige of that feeling might explain why it took me a week to clean up after Christmas dinner.
Anyway, today I've done the dishes, worked on cleaning up the house a bit, have been looking at jobs to apply to, have made decisions to improve our financial stability, tracked everything I've eaten so far, had three servings of fruits and vegetables by lunch and crudely attempted to treat my own ingrown toenail. And now I'm taking the dog for a walk. Well, I'd like to think I made a difference today...

Carrot Poisoning

I miss my husband today
to while the time away
i am eating and eating, carrots galore
when I want to eat candy, then i eat some more

Back

Yesterday, I decided to re-commit to WW and losing weight. I've been freaking out over the stresses of law school lately, which has led me to cookies, cupcakes, cake cake, ice cream, chocolate, wendy's, french fries of all denominations, chips, etc. It's time to start eating less and better. I think it will make a difference for me. People keep telling me I look like I've lost weight, and I'm hoping anxiety has helped me worry away some of the nascent pounds, but I am too scared to weigh myself until I get a solid week of WW under my belt--or out from under my belt as the case may be.

Yesterday went well. I have a hard time on the way down to school, so I just accept that I will be eating a lot and need to allocate the rest of the day appropriately. I did this with different levels of success yesterday, but ended up resorting to salmon and veggie (no cream cheese) sushi for a low cal dinner. Tragically, it seems that the salmon was made of some sort of fish powder, like the milk we use in our food storage. It was so gross. But that means fewer calories. I ate two nectarines yesterday and a banana. I got some veggies from the sushi before I gave up on it, but I'm trying to start small and ensure that I get at least 3 servings of fruits and veggies a day.

Today was crazy. I feel really uncomfortable on an ice rink, and when the whole world is covered in a half-inch layer of ice, i get really crazy. Today is day 10 of my 10 day no-skipping challenge, so I was determined to make it to school in time for my first class. It took me a half hour to excavate my car from the ice. I tried to scrape it away, but my feet didn't have any traction on the icy road. (Even the grass that showed was covered in ice, so it was really slippery, too!). I'd try to grab onto the car to get a little stability, but that was covered in ice, too! The scariest part was going down stairs outside today. The stairs were covered in a cascade of invisible ice, but so were the railings. I ended up going down the stairs backwards like toddlers are taught to do so they don't get hurt if they fall. There were 3 very very near misses with falling down, and many other near misses. The scariest part was trying to scrape my car as a huge garbage truck comes down the street which is clogged with cars on both sides--the garbage truck literally passed about a foot and a half away from me and I was praying "please don't slip and fall under it, please don't slip and fall under it" the whole time.I especially wanted to get to school on time because I was on-call in my first class today, and everybody who's been on call this week has flaked out--either not shown up or just not been prepared. I didn't want to look like I was skipping out, too. I was a couple minutes late, but so was the professor, so everything went down okay. I was nervous about the case, since it dealt with a class action by preferred stockholders following a cash-out merger of a company--and despite reading it twice, taking notes, and reviewing it, I still didn't really understand what happened. I realized during the course of the class, that it was just a really small contractual issue--the meaning of "liquidation"--that was at issue in the case, so when I got called on I didn't look like a total idiot. All of that gasping around in the cold ice this morning did leave me a little asthmatic, and I sit on the front row, so I'm not sure that anyone behind me was able to appreciate my success on that case. They probably think I'm *gasp* shy!

I don't know if this is normal, but at night before I go to bed I fantasize about what I would be eating if calories didn't matter. Last night it was a huge chocolate-frosted glazed donut...

RED 'DO

last week I was happy...

then I started law school...
I needed a change...
so I made one! I'm a red-head!!

even though I missed a spot...or two...and my scalp is incredibly shiny!

But this still leaves the whole "having-to-finish-law-school" thing.
How is that going to happen?

Finals Week(s) or My Personal Hell

I had my last day of school yesterday. It was deeply meaningful. Actually, it wasn't--but I did get to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, so that was something to do. I have my first final on Friday. It's on Regulation of Securities Distribution. I am nervous becasue I don't know the subject as well as I would like. Then I don't have another final for a week--next Friday I have Sales--an easier topic for me, but the professor has a rep for giving awful finals. Finally, commercial paper on Monday, December 21st. Give me strength...

I'm having a bit of a rough time, to be honest. I recently learned that I have a depth perception issue that surfaces both long distance and close up. I'm getting new glasses to help me deal with it, but in the mean time, I'm facing some unfortunate issues--like...when I read for any length of time, I get incredibly tired. I had been thinking it was because I was lazy--but it's actually a symptom of my eye problem. My eyes get super tired because they have to strain to make me not see double. The eye doc told me to look out the window for a while after each 20 minutes of reading. Unfortunately, since I have a perception issue there, it doesn't seem to be helping me much, either. But this new diagnosis is changing a lot. It helps explain why my eyes make me feel like I need a nap a lot, even when my body isn't really that tired. Right now, my eyes feel so tired, even though I had a really long night's sleep.

I read an article about my problem--it made me a little sleepy, too, as a matter of fact :). It was about a girl who, though she had always been bright, tested at a 1st grade reading level in 5th grade. Her teachers' perception of her as "slow," marred her self-esteem and academic progress until she was finally diagnosed with the problem. Now I'm wondering if the fact that it is so much harder for me to read has hampered me academically, too. Certainly, I've found that I can't read for very long periods of time without really really needing to go take a nap. When I drive and stare out at nothing for a long time, I find myself getting horribly sleepy. Now I wonder if that's why I like to take a book to bed--it helps me fall asleep.

Anyway, help is hopefully on the way in the form of prism lenses in my new glasses. they refract the light in a way that counteracts my eyes' discrepancy so my muscles don't have to strain to read things clearly. My eye doctor gave me a demonstration during my visit, forming a prism out of two lenses and placing them in front of my eye. It made seeing so much easier! It made both long distance and up close images appear much sharper, but I didn't have to squint to achieve that effect. This sounds stupid to say, but it was really a life changing moment, when I realized how much strain my eye muscles felt when they had to go back to fending for themselves. No wonder I nap so much!

Anyway, I feel frustrated that I have to keep studying without my prism lenses for a while. They're due in just in time for my final final exam. We'll see if they have the impact I hope they will. I feel so cranky that I feel so tired--again, just in my eyes. My husband often gets after me for taking naps so much, but I wish he knew what it felt like so he could understand why I do do it so much.

There are a limited number of things you can do without seeing. Studying for an exam by reviewing all of the slides shown in your class is not one of them.
Dang.

Baby's First Arson Attempt

so proud...our house didn't burn down. It's an envelope with some little kid drawings on them. I think they "mailed" it down the heat register. There was nothing inside the envelope. I had high hopes of state secrets or at least a long-lost confession to a murder, but, alas...

I'm feeling a bit melodramatic today. At first, I was going to entitle this entry "My Hit List" but I didn't want to end up on "My Nation's Watch List." Besides, everything on my hit list was an inanimate object. They were all things that I needed with varying degrees of desperation today, but that I couldn't find.
First was my nasal saline spray. I couldn't make any facial expressions that involved the use of my nose without serious injury because my nasal membranes were so dry. Only in my left nostril though. I think that's the bad one.

my nose may look normal on the outside, but it is a crotchety old lady with dry, withered skin inside. this picture was taken in the Mansfield Reformatory before weight-loss began. please notice that the grim reaper appears to be making an appearance in profile over to the top left of the frame. I can't believe I didn't notice this at the time!

Then it was the wrapping paper--We bought a huge roll, big enough to cover our entire house--and it was suddenly gone. So I made a "hit list" of the things I was missing and basically played "Where's Waldo?" in my house until I found them.

My nose feels soo much better. I wrapped some presents, too!

Now if only I could find my acrylic paint set.....

Wombats are the Cutest Things Ever and Mortality

admit it: you want to cuddle one (photo by Noodle Snacks)

two fun facts about wombats:
1. as members of the marsupial family, they have a pouch, but unlike kangaroos, they carry their pouch on back so they don't cover their babies in dirt when they dig, which they apparently do a lot.
2. they. have. square. poop.


I heard my roommate talking the other day about making a will. She was like, "I could get killed in a car accident tomorrow." That thought stunned me. I am not insane. I realize that we can and will all die at some point. I just can't talk about it in an objective way. I feel like Gob (from Arrested Development, not from the bible, even though it's pronounced the same as Job) when he says, "I was thinking, if anything ever happened to me...just...how sad I'd be." Fortunately, I found a way to think about how I could get killed by a crazed lunatic last night. I came home at like 5pm and hung out for a really long time, took a shower, exercised (yes, in that order. no, I don't know why) and so on. Then my roommate came home and asked why the back door was wide open. Presumably it had been wide open all day. I couldn't stop the shower scene from 'Psycho' playing in my head. With me in the starring role. (as the victim, not as Norman Bates).

And let's be honest, part of losing weight is being healthy. I want to be healthy because the alternative is not healthy. Sometimes not healthy can get pretty serious. Like death. That's as directly as I can talk about my mortality right now, but if it's spurring me on to lose weight, that's good enough for me. I feel depressed now. I need to hug a wombat.

Also, I was exonerated on Biggest Loser. I was added back into the results and was not eliminated this week. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still not going to win next week, BUT, it is good to stay alive, even if it's just virtually.

Biggest Loser Loser

I am in class right now.

I got disqualified this week from Biggest Loser, but only because she didn't get my e-mail reporting my weight. But I sent it.
My tummy hurts. Maybe I didn't really want a slurpee after all. I just saw some thing on cnn about Obama's slurpee summit and thought--I want that!! Now I want some aspirin. Hopefully, I will be back re-qualified, though since this is the last week, I think I would have to lose a leg to win. And I don't want to.

They switched up Weight Watchers this week. It's basically inflation. I now have 30 daily points and 49 weekly points--I used to have 25 daily points and 35 weekly points. They no longer count calories (I mean, they technically do, because they have carbos and fat), but they calculate based on carbos, fat, fiber and protein.

Tragically, carbos comprise about 99% of my diet (not really, but I do like them best) and this new formulation really sticks it to you when you have a carbo. On the better side, fruits and vegetables now have zero points!! We'll see how it goes, but as you can probably tell (by virtue of the slurpee), it's been a rough week so far.

I totally forgot both my cell phone and computer chargers on Monday. I was so upset. I'm still pretty much done with school. I just feel like I've been wrung out. Fortunately, school is almost finished--I technically have 2 days left after today. By technically I also mean practically. I didn't realize this, but I only have school next monday (tuesday is a constructive thursday, and I don't have class on Thursday). Then come exams. Hopefully between them comes a little bit of studying.

I did exercise yesterday. It was awesome. I got little weights from my mother-in-law, and I did some weighted-squats and even did really high reps of regular bicep curls, etc. It was fun. I want a nap now. I just participated in class! I'm supposed to be "on call" today, which means that I'm supposed to answer any textbook questions that the teacher asks me. I just answered one, even though she's just been doing most of them herself.

the rundown

1. christmas is coming: i have purchased/planned many gifts and i am super excited

2. i had a zero sum game this week, thankfully, it was super hard but I did not gain (even though I did not lose).

3. i thought nothing on earth could be worse than a 2 hour lecture followed by a 1 hour simulated-negotiation on a Monday night, but I was proved wrong tonight when we skipped the sim and had a 3 hour lecture instead. I saw people literally pulling out their eyelashes to stay awake. *that statement may not have been true.

4. Whole Foods makes the best potato soup ever (outside of homemade).

5. my roommate's husband is home for a while from the army--either I'm missing something or military personnel go to bed REALLY early.

6. I still cannot find an explanation for "quantitative easement" that doesn't make me feel lightheaded and angry

7. 9 days of school left! (by which I mean out of the Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays that I go to school, there are 9 days left--and I'm not counting next Wednesday because I don't think that's going to happen.

8. putting a damper on the fact that next Wednesday's classes aren't going to happen for me is the fact that I have a makeup class scheduled for the night before--as in, my commute night. Last time this happened, I just sat in class and wiggled for 50 minutes. My brain is shot after my natural last class--trying to squeeze an extra one in just doesn't work for me.

9. my husband is wicked sick. I feel really bad for him. This morning I said I should stay home and take care of him. It started out as a joke, but as he worsened, I worried that maybe I really should be there to make sure he doesn't die. He seems to be doing better though, so I'm staying.

10. If you're ever looking for a really aggravating alternative to reality, try the Nancy Drew computer games. They sound all innocent and light-hearted, but they're super scary and super hard. I made the mistake of thinking I was a "Master Detective" (the only alternative to "Junior" so can you blame me?). I have a number of things I'm supposed to do at any given point, and a couple of days have elapsed since I last played, and I can't remember what I'm supposed to do. The game won't progress until I do it--none of the characters will talk to me, and when I clicked on my checklist to see what it was I was forgetting, all it said was "I'm a Master Detective, and I don't need a checklist to remind me of the things I need to do." So...let me get this straight: the older you are, the LESS you need to write things down to remember them... I keep muddling through, getting super frustrated, and looking up the game "walkthroughs" online--essentially cheating. But you know what? I feel the same sense of accomplishment when I complete one of the mind-numbingly physically impossible challenges by cheating as I do when I figure it out on my own. Even if you have to cheat to win it still means you're outsmarting the computer. Right...?

11. I wouldn't recommend the salmon pasta salad at Whole Foods. It kind of reminded me of when you're a little kid playing at the beach for the first time, and your mouth is open wide because you are laughing hysterically while you are buffeted by the waves, and then a big gob of sea foam froths into your mouth and you realize how much like being in hell it is to be in the filthy waves churning with the poop of people, land animals and all of the sea creatures who are probably just waiting to slurp you up and recycle you back into the ocean that only moments ago you thought was so lovely. I still ate my whole little container of it, though...

Have a pleasant evening!

Sweaty and Piggy

I just took what may have been the hottest shower ever survived by a human. At the time it felt good. Now it feels...hot. and sleepy. good thing it's bed time!

this week has been kind of weird, diet-wise (again, not diet as in restricting what I eat, but diet as in the total mix of things that I consume). Yesterday and today, I've gotten extremely hungry early in the evening, but had to delay gratification. Apparently, my body is able to accept eating a smaller amount of food throughout the day, but it draws the line at going without food for a terribly long time (yesterday and today the cutoff point for terribly long has been around an hour and a half).

Long story short, I am front-loading while I'm away from home--allowing myself to consume my flexible points early in the week--so I can get serious when I'm back around more fresh produce and ways to preserve it--also home-cooked meals (not like the kind grandma used to make--more like the kind richard simmons daydreams about).

Speaking of which, those little containers--I'd say they're about half a pint if that--of raspberries are 10/$10 at our grocery store this week. Most of my snacks down here are complex carbohydrates--but today, I got a little thing of raspberries and snarfed it down like my dog when a cookie falls on the floor and I chase after her to get it and despite the fact that it is roughly the size of her head, she sucks it up in the amount of time it takes for her to run around the room and hide under the couch. Okay, maybe I savored the raspberries a LITTLE more than that...

Anyway, it's kind of hard not to feel guilty about eating a lot, even if it's within the plan and you've given yourself permission to do it.

Ah, shucks...please pass the raspberries...

2 Steps Forward and 1 Step Back

The MOST frustrating thing about weight loss is that it moves so slowly, and that a set back can set you back soo far.

Two weeks ago: down 3.1lbs
Last week: up 1.3lbs

Net loss: 1.8lbs--not bad, but less than 1lb per week.

This week: down 2.4lbs, for a total of 4.4lbs in the past 3 weeks, which is almost 1.5lbs a week on average for the past 3 weeks.

I don't know what next week will bring, but I do feel discouraged. I sometimes feel like the work of one day should constitute a sufficient atonement for all of my past bingeing, and that I should be able to then be back to a healthy weight, having learned my lesson and exercising more self-control next time. Compound that feeling over weeks and months, and even though it's .6lbs away from a loss of 30lbs overall, I feel like it's been so painstaking that even that amount seems weeny.

I need to lose another 30lbs before I get to a "healthy" BMI and another 45 before I reach my goal. How can I keep motivated? It is soo easy to gain weight. I could probably gain five pounds this week without any real discomfort, and without having to really work at it. If I had to LOSE 5 pounds though, it would probably kill me (or at least involve a number of eating-disorder techniques).

I wonder sometimes if my goal is possible. Or if, by the time I'm down to a small number of points (18 is as low as WW goes, I'm at 25 now), I'll feel so deprived that I'll break down and get even fatter than before. I had a friend in college who probably lost 70lbs over the course of a year. She's popped back up again. Out of everybody I know, many, many have really gained a significant amount of weight over the past 5 years, while I can think of less than a handful who have significantly lost.

Before I got married, some crazy woman took me aside and told me to throw away all the cookie sheets I received because "you never lose weight after you get married--you just put it on...you'll see!" That felt good. It has now proven inaccurate to some degree--you can lose weight while you're married. The real test is: can you keep it off? From 189lbs to 180lbs, I've lost probably 20lbs, because I have good weeks and bad weeks.

Should I just plan that the 75lbs I want to lose will actually be more like 150 when I get right down to losing it? Do I need to lose every pound twice before it's really gone?

Happy to be Me

just more chin and forehead to love...on the other hand, I think my button nose, or whatever it is, is really funny (in a good way) and I know it's not in vogue, but I love my freckles!

I hate it when celebrities are being interviewed by magazines and are asked, "What part of your body do you HATE?" or some question like that. On the one hand, this question reveals that *gasp* celebrities are human and despite having perfect bodies, they still feel insecure--so the part of your body you're worried about is probably less noticeable than you think it is. On the other hand, it establishes a norm--even if you are super healthy, in really good shape, etc., you should always be ashamed or vexed by some part of your body.

I wonder why we all can't get along with our body parts. Why can't we have a norm of being happy in the body that we're in? Before I lost some weight, I felt like there was no part of my body that I could really be proud of. Having lost some, I think all of it looks better. I want to lose weight so it looks better still--but I'm not losing sleep over some part of my body. My body is a machine, and I'm working to get it into more efficient working order. There is so much more to life than worrying about my butt having cellulite on it or whatever.

But maybe that's because up to now, the biggest imperfection has been evenly spread around--and it's been totally changeable. I can lose weight and be much happier with how I look--it's not something I could never change except through radical, gratuitous, plastic surgery.

Now that I've lost some weight though, especially around my face, I found myself freaking out over my natural face shape--long and narrow. My face looks to me like a super-elongated oval and it's freaking me out. I had hoped that once I lost weight, I would stop cringing at photos of myself, but now I've turned into the very thing I despise!!--someone who freaks out about things they can't change rather than embracing themselves for who they are.

So, this post represents my last freak-out about what I perceive to be my freakishly-shaped face. Looking online for hairdos and stuff to minimize it's long appearance, I was informed that my face shape is pretty versatile, and that a lot of models have this face shape. I was also thinking about an older woman we visited last night. She has had MS since she was 24, and requires a wheelchair to get around. When we visited last night, she slowly lifted herself out of the chair and lowered herself to the couch. I offered to help--but she said, "I've been doing this for 43 years and I can just keep doing it!" We talked for a minute about how your body can adapt. She has the grace to be appreciative of what her body can do, not an obsession over it's imperfections. Her attitude was that you take what life gives you and you just keep going. And she's much the better for it.

So, to all the celebrities out there, and to me too, let this be a reminder that we'd rather have too-skinny legs than no legs, a long round face than no face, and most of all, the opportunity to impact the things that have much more meaning in life than any of our petty external insecurities.

The Best Toy Ever

Editor's note: This toy is a lot more awesome if you realize that it only opens its mouth and makes a noise when you squeeze its belly.

I got this toy because I am sick. It made me very happy. Greta HATES it. She wants to make it die. In the video, you can hear her whining.

So, I ate within my points today, but I didn't eat good food (like a large frosty instead of breakfast, no lunch, and then some noodles and stuff and popcorn). Then I got super sick. Super, super, super sick.

Then we got locked out of our house. I had to break in. With a crowbar in the mail box. I was awesome. It was hard and I got cut. But you should see the other guy.

Then we got new (old) couches. From a family in our ward that's moving. Tomorrow morning. It was awesome--it was raining a bit while we moved them, but it started raining harder after we got them inside. I was glad we dodged that bullet.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a good day. I am super respiratory sick. I thought if you lost weight and exercised more you would never get sick again. THAT IS A MEDICAL MYTH. I'm going to put all that weight back on again, because I am so jaded.

Just kidding. It's time for bed (obviously).

Mrs. Sorensen

My favorite elementary school teacher died on Sunday, but I found out today, so I keep wanting to say she died today. I remember her--she was the best teacher ever. She was also pretty seriously obese. I remember when it was a kid's birthday (we'd always bring in our favorite treat to share with the class for our birthdays) she'd get wild-eyed and excited and hungrily ask, "did you bring a treat?!!"

Despite never drinking, she was eventually diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. She lasted a long time. Like about a decade. I don't know if there was a family history of liver disease, or if her obesity contributed (it can, and she had some other obesity-related problems). But she wasn't old enough to die. 63 years old.

In her life and death I see my past and possible future. At times, as I try to lose weight, I feel like a drug addict who gets just a little bit of heroin a day, and just has to try to keep the cravings under control. Even on the "easy" days it is hard. It's not difficult to recognize when you are losing the day's battle with food, but it is sometimes hard to care. "I'm stressed out--I really need this." "I'm super hungry, I just don't know why" "I'll do better tomorrow and that will make up for it."
It's hard for me to contemplate a death hastened by obesity as a possible future, but the truth of the matter is that in my early 20s, I already weighed over 200lbs. I tired easily and had no self-esteem and my primary source of comfort and happiness was food. I know that, and yet it's still a daily struggle to put down the cheetos, to go for a walk, to choose an apple instead of chocolate. I see how my teacher's life was cut off short, and I think, "of COURSE it is worth the hard work." But it's hard to keep the vision.

I want to say that I will keep going down this hard path in memory of Mrs. Sorensen. But I can't. The lesson I keep learning again and again is that I am the only one who can make myself get healthy. I can't do it for anyone else. I have to do it for me. I have to do it because I want a life where I control my body instead of the other way around. Mrs. Sorensen is much more than a sad sign-post along the way, but if I'm going to keep moving I need to be the wind at my own back.

I love you Mrs. Sorensen. Thanks for the last, most important, lesson.

T-Minus 3.1lbs

we became reality stars last weekend, helping out with the salvation army. my husband and I are the two people closest to the news anchor dude's right shoulder. this

That's right, suckas! I lost 3.1lbs last week!! I am a little nervous that that was too much to lose all in one fell swoop, but I am determined to stick with it.

I did a bad thing today and ate a happy meal. That's 14 points (and I didn't even have a soda). I just got so hungry and depressed. Sometimes the instant gratification wins over the slow and steady mentality. Anyway, let's just keep working and working!!

It's supposed to get windy here tonight and tomorrow. I'm hoping the weather holds for me to head home on Wednesday.

I got called on in class today. For like 20-25 minutes. It was so rough--but I tried to stay focused. It is hard to stay confident for that long. but you just keep going and going like the bunny.

The worst part of the day was, as usual, my legal negotiations class. It is JUST...SO...LONG. Today we talked for 2 hours about how we can demonstrate the irrationality of human behavior by analyzing expected value. This is very well and good, but it is an inapt analogy to describe whether people take or refuse settlements. (because in one analysis, it's a small payout, or the possibility of either a big payout or nothing--in the other analysis, you're guaranteed an amount of money--you can take a moderate amount or risk getting a little bit less or a lot more.)

Anyway, then we had to do a simulation where some of us were "alphas" and others were "betas"--the alphas and betas correspond generally with type A and type B people--only to extremes. The alphas had to get angry, while the betas sort of fooled around doing nothing. It was great.

Then the simulation ended and it was time to go, but our professors just kept talking. The Alpha simulation became real and I was filled with rage!!

Domesticated

apparently for Greta, there's a better place than home...

Greta and I went on a huge walk today. It actually wasn't that big. 2.2 miles. But it was enough to tire her out. And rev me up for working. Except. It. is. so. cold. I am freezing. There's a hoe-down tonight, and I am looking forward to being slightly warmer then. I also decided to cook one (that's right, one) potato in the oven to warm up the place a little bit. (I'm also having the potato for dinner).

Fortunately, I got some bulbs today. And some Halloween candy. (Not for me, but for the children). I got some sweet perennials that I'm going to put in my awesome "living wreath." That's my winter project.
They were originally $4.99 and now they're $1.00 each!! I was so excited!!

So...last night, my husband and I went to Olive Garden (I know, I know). And I went over my daily allotment by 4 points. But I'm recovering today! (I didn't exceed my weekly points, by the way).

Anyway, there is something bad making a really high-pitched noise somewhere in this room. So I have to go.
Stay warm, friends!

Weight Loss: A Story in Trains

please note that I do not own the rights to these videos but am taking advantage of fair use. I obtain no compensation connected with this blog, and rarely even achieve emotional gratification from its perpetuation.

this is usually me by this point in the week

but this week....

things are peachy.

the only speed bump is this: I got sooo freaking sick last night I thought I was going to die. Something I ate? The whole family (including the dog) was out for the count. At least I can be sure that I didn't take in too many calories yesterday...

Also, what the heck??!! Ringo Starr and Thomas the Tank Engine??? yep. That Ringo Starr. And George Carlin, too!! (I bet there's more than 7 things you shouldn't say on a kid's show).

I feel so proud of myself for my consistency. It was one thing when it was 2 days running, but now it's been 3 1/2 !!! Baby steps to the weight loss, baby steps...

A final thought for the day: (go to seconds 23-27 of the clip below)

The Difference a Day Makes!!

"I am Lazarus risen from the grave!
Quite alive you'll find me,
this tomb behind me
is where I faced my closest shave!"
---The Mystery of Edwin Drood

Yes, dear readers, I'm feeling much better now. Since Monday's post, I've been following my plan religiously: 25 points a day, 5 weekly points a day, earn 5 exercise points a day. Obviously, 2 days is not everything, but it's amazing what exercise and especially rest can do for a person.
I also skipped out on school today. With one of three classes cancelled and a looming empty space from 4:00pm Tuesday til 1:30pm Wednesday, I decided to make my escape (after consulting with my very understanding professor.)
I'm a little peeved. I missed my "composite" photo today. (that's not what I'm peeved about, since I'm pretty sure I don't know what that even means--we're taking individual pictures that will become a composite picture? is it going to be a collage? are we going to holographically morph into each others faces depending on the angle you hold the picture? Are they going to put our headshots on generic law-student bodies?) The reason I'm peeved is that the sitting fee for this thing is $15.95. But if you don't do it--it looks like you're not in the class. In high school we did a composite photo, and you could pay some obscene amount to have a copy for yourself--but it didn't cost anything to just be in the photo itself. As long as there's documented proof that I was in the class and had friends in law school, I don't care if I have it in my house--for $15.95 I'd rather not. But in order to do it AT ALL, you have to pay.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that FOR ONLY $3 MORE, you can have 4 passport-sized photos of yourself from that picture.
I've done the math-- 4 passport photos are about the same size as one 4*6, which you can get for $.10 at any walmart in the nation. Plus, you can choose what you look like in your picture, you can set it up the way you want to, and you don't have to wear a stupid suit if you don't want to.
I think I sound a lot angrier than I am but I've only got cold cereal and a can of diet doctor pepp in my system so I get a little edgy. I'm also trying to rev myself up for....cleaning my house--which today resembles a cross between the home of a clinically-diagnosed hoarder and the home of a lady with 100 cats who all feed on each others' festering bodies.

What a day!