Mrs. Sorensen

My favorite elementary school teacher died on Sunday, but I found out today, so I keep wanting to say she died today. I remember her--she was the best teacher ever. She was also pretty seriously obese. I remember when it was a kid's birthday (we'd always bring in our favorite treat to share with the class for our birthdays) she'd get wild-eyed and excited and hungrily ask, "did you bring a treat?!!"

Despite never drinking, she was eventually diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. She lasted a long time. Like about a decade. I don't know if there was a family history of liver disease, or if her obesity contributed (it can, and she had some other obesity-related problems). But she wasn't old enough to die. 63 years old.

In her life and death I see my past and possible future. At times, as I try to lose weight, I feel like a drug addict who gets just a little bit of heroin a day, and just has to try to keep the cravings under control. Even on the "easy" days it is hard. It's not difficult to recognize when you are losing the day's battle with food, but it is sometimes hard to care. "I'm stressed out--I really need this." "I'm super hungry, I just don't know why" "I'll do better tomorrow and that will make up for it."
It's hard for me to contemplate a death hastened by obesity as a possible future, but the truth of the matter is that in my early 20s, I already weighed over 200lbs. I tired easily and had no self-esteem and my primary source of comfort and happiness was food. I know that, and yet it's still a daily struggle to put down the cheetos, to go for a walk, to choose an apple instead of chocolate. I see how my teacher's life was cut off short, and I think, "of COURSE it is worth the hard work." But it's hard to keep the vision.

I want to say that I will keep going down this hard path in memory of Mrs. Sorensen. But I can't. The lesson I keep learning again and again is that I am the only one who can make myself get healthy. I can't do it for anyone else. I have to do it for me. I have to do it because I want a life where I control my body instead of the other way around. Mrs. Sorensen is much more than a sad sign-post along the way, but if I'm going to keep moving I need to be the wind at my own back.

I love you Mrs. Sorensen. Thanks for the last, most important, lesson.

T-Minus 3.1lbs

we became reality stars last weekend, helping out with the salvation army. my husband and I are the two people closest to the news anchor dude's right shoulder. this

That's right, suckas! I lost 3.1lbs last week!! I am a little nervous that that was too much to lose all in one fell swoop, but I am determined to stick with it.

I did a bad thing today and ate a happy meal. That's 14 points (and I didn't even have a soda). I just got so hungry and depressed. Sometimes the instant gratification wins over the slow and steady mentality. Anyway, let's just keep working and working!!

It's supposed to get windy here tonight and tomorrow. I'm hoping the weather holds for me to head home on Wednesday.

I got called on in class today. For like 20-25 minutes. It was so rough--but I tried to stay focused. It is hard to stay confident for that long. but you just keep going and going like the bunny.

The worst part of the day was, as usual, my legal negotiations class. It is JUST...SO...LONG. Today we talked for 2 hours about how we can demonstrate the irrationality of human behavior by analyzing expected value. This is very well and good, but it is an inapt analogy to describe whether people take or refuse settlements. (because in one analysis, it's a small payout, or the possibility of either a big payout or nothing--in the other analysis, you're guaranteed an amount of money--you can take a moderate amount or risk getting a little bit less or a lot more.)

Anyway, then we had to do a simulation where some of us were "alphas" and others were "betas"--the alphas and betas correspond generally with type A and type B people--only to extremes. The alphas had to get angry, while the betas sort of fooled around doing nothing. It was great.

Then the simulation ended and it was time to go, but our professors just kept talking. The Alpha simulation became real and I was filled with rage!!

Domesticated

apparently for Greta, there's a better place than home...

Greta and I went on a huge walk today. It actually wasn't that big. 2.2 miles. But it was enough to tire her out. And rev me up for working. Except. It. is. so. cold. I am freezing. There's a hoe-down tonight, and I am looking forward to being slightly warmer then. I also decided to cook one (that's right, one) potato in the oven to warm up the place a little bit. (I'm also having the potato for dinner).

Fortunately, I got some bulbs today. And some Halloween candy. (Not for me, but for the children). I got some sweet perennials that I'm going to put in my awesome "living wreath." That's my winter project.
They were originally $4.99 and now they're $1.00 each!! I was so excited!!

So...last night, my husband and I went to Olive Garden (I know, I know). And I went over my daily allotment by 4 points. But I'm recovering today! (I didn't exceed my weekly points, by the way).

Anyway, there is something bad making a really high-pitched noise somewhere in this room. So I have to go.
Stay warm, friends!

Weight Loss: A Story in Trains

please note that I do not own the rights to these videos but am taking advantage of fair use. I obtain no compensation connected with this blog, and rarely even achieve emotional gratification from its perpetuation.

this is usually me by this point in the week

but this week....

things are peachy.

the only speed bump is this: I got sooo freaking sick last night I thought I was going to die. Something I ate? The whole family (including the dog) was out for the count. At least I can be sure that I didn't take in too many calories yesterday...

Also, what the heck??!! Ringo Starr and Thomas the Tank Engine??? yep. That Ringo Starr. And George Carlin, too!! (I bet there's more than 7 things you shouldn't say on a kid's show).

I feel so proud of myself for my consistency. It was one thing when it was 2 days running, but now it's been 3 1/2 !!! Baby steps to the weight loss, baby steps...

A final thought for the day: (go to seconds 23-27 of the clip below)

The Difference a Day Makes!!

"I am Lazarus risen from the grave!
Quite alive you'll find me,
this tomb behind me
is where I faced my closest shave!"
---The Mystery of Edwin Drood

Yes, dear readers, I'm feeling much better now. Since Monday's post, I've been following my plan religiously: 25 points a day, 5 weekly points a day, earn 5 exercise points a day. Obviously, 2 days is not everything, but it's amazing what exercise and especially rest can do for a person.
I also skipped out on school today. With one of three classes cancelled and a looming empty space from 4:00pm Tuesday til 1:30pm Wednesday, I decided to make my escape (after consulting with my very understanding professor.)
I'm a little peeved. I missed my "composite" photo today. (that's not what I'm peeved about, since I'm pretty sure I don't know what that even means--we're taking individual pictures that will become a composite picture? is it going to be a collage? are we going to holographically morph into each others faces depending on the angle you hold the picture? Are they going to put our headshots on generic law-student bodies?) The reason I'm peeved is that the sitting fee for this thing is $15.95. But if you don't do it--it looks like you're not in the class. In high school we did a composite photo, and you could pay some obscene amount to have a copy for yourself--but it didn't cost anything to just be in the photo itself. As long as there's documented proof that I was in the class and had friends in law school, I don't care if I have it in my house--for $15.95 I'd rather not. But in order to do it AT ALL, you have to pay.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that FOR ONLY $3 MORE, you can have 4 passport-sized photos of yourself from that picture.
I've done the math-- 4 passport photos are about the same size as one 4*6, which you can get for $.10 at any walmart in the nation. Plus, you can choose what you look like in your picture, you can set it up the way you want to, and you don't have to wear a stupid suit if you don't want to.
I think I sound a lot angrier than I am but I've only got cold cereal and a can of diet doctor pepp in my system so I get a little edgy. I'm also trying to rev myself up for....cleaning my house--which today resembles a cross between the home of a clinically-diagnosed hoarder and the home of a lady with 100 cats who all feed on each others' festering bodies.

What a day!

Tired...sooo tired...

this is a picture of me--literally in class. I am holding my glasses. I wanted to demonstrate how tired I was by displaying the bags under my eyes.

Weight loss did not go well for me this last week. Today's weigh-in showed a .9lb increase in weight. This is super-frustrating, but not totally unexpected. Last week I was back from my fall break and my roommate had a tragedy in her life, and we had the negotiation competition at school which went from 5pm to 9pm one night, and all of this sent me running to french fries and ice cream for comfort.
I did narrow the point intake down after I got back home to Cleveland, but I guess by that time the damage was done. We also ate some mexican food on Saturday which I think may have made us a little sick.

Today I read a story about a law student who is asking for his money back--he's as far as I am--about 2.45 years in. His wife is pregnant, he has no job prospects, and his mounting debts are hemming him in. I know just how he feels--well, as a friend pointed out, I guess my husband is not pregnant (neither am I) but other than that. It feels pointless to go to classes that don't really deal with how to actually do anything that lawyers do. Ah, but that's where the internships come in, you say? Well, government work is all work-study, and primarily clerical even if you get that job. Many jobs specifically list that "those without work-study need not apply." If you are one of the few that gets selected to have an internship at a firm, you're not even almost home free. Many internships are cancelled, postponed, shortened, during the summer, and despite the long tradition of offering jobs to legal interns unless they totally screw up, FIRMS AREN'T DOING IT ANYMORE. Your best chances are to "stay in touch."

Top schools have amazing employment rates--this factors into the school's ranking by US News. What those numbers don't say is that that includes people who have short-term, part-time, on-campus work, or work that isn't within the realm of the law at all!

Talking to a law-school friend yesterday, and commiserating over the fact that we both dread tomorrow every day, we came to the mutual conclusion that whenever we talk to someone who says, "I'm thinking of going to law school," our first impulse is to hit them in the face with all the force we possess and say "think again, moron!"

If I knew then, what I know now. I don't think I would have gone to law school. Business school, maybe. But after the miles on the road, the thankless extra-curricular tasks, the grueling reading, strict attendance requirements, I'll have nothing to show but a $50,000 piece of paper.

Best way to release pent up aggression...

is changing the screens for panes in the windows all over your house. There's a lot of slamming involved.
It's less effective if you only develop more aggression after you're finished because your sometimes adorable dog has this time stolen the rest of your awesome brownie---that was filled with peanut-butter and caramel and was cut into bite-sized pieces that you got to have one of every day to spread out the caloric impact and deliciousness--and scarfed it. Somehow putting her in time-out doesn't seem to cut it.

The problem is, I don't want to take responsibility for her doing that--even though it was my fault, cause I didn't push my chair in all the way after I left the table, even though I know she has a tendency to get up there and scarf things. Honestly I just left for a minute and then got distracted--that's why I was gone so long. But it sort of doesn't matter because the damage is done.
Once again, I've learned to always, ALWAYS push in my chair.
Weight loss can inspire in me the same unwillingness to take responsibility for my actions as Greta eating my beautiful baby brownie. When I don't lose, it's probably hormones or a thyroid thing, or the wii fit is just off kilter today. It's never that I ate a lot more than I should have and didn't exercise at all.

So here's to a better run. Keeping my dog off the sweet stuff, keeping myself in check and sneaking exercise as I winterize my house!

ps. Lost .3lbs this week--not great, but better than a gain!!