In Memoriam

Today I deviate from my normal routine to express my profound gratitude for the men and women who have served and who currently serve our country. I believe that sometimes the selflessness of these individuals is overlooked due to the politics that motivate their mobilization by the government. I find war to be abhorrent in every way, but I am still moved by the people who are willing to risk their lives to defend and extend republican ideals to areas where dictators have used violence and intimidation to secure their personal best interests above the needs and freedoms of the populations they profess to serve.
Growing up, war seemed so black and white. Civil war: slavery bad, union good. World War I: Central Powers bad, Allies good. World War II: Germany really bad, Allies again good.
But then you start to learn more about those wars and about the more recent ones. Civil war: really about federalism? World War I: 15 million dead--the war to end all wars, and yet "peace" was established at such high cost that World War II became almost inevitable. It's incontrovertible that the Nazi regime was responsible for some of the most horrific atrocities imaginable--the Japanese did terrible, terrible things, too. But we only became involved when it became politically advantageous to do so--isn't that doing the right thing for the wrong reason? Then came later wars, Korea, the forgotten war, Vietnam, which sort of never ended and was broadly considered folly, Desert Storm, finally Iraq and Afghanistan, apparently predicated on a suspicion about weapons of mass destruction and conducted along national borders despite the main enemy being a fluid and transient organization that knows no national origin.
All I know is that before the US was involved in a war in my lifetime, I romanticized along the lines of "the Greatest Generation." That war was an opportunity for attractive young men and women to be put to the test and to succeed against the evils that threatened our ideals.
But when war became real--when the US became involved, and I began to learn more about the stories of all the past wars, I realized that the reality of war is much uglier. Men and women risk their lives to sustain a nation's political position, and even when the war is "won," the survivors often still lose. Men and women who won't, can't speak about what happened, post traummatic stress syndrome, the pain of lost family members, of lost friends.
Until the war is over--and often beyond--there is no indication of whether it was really worth it. The fact that men and women volunteer anyway, knowing the potential for catastrophic loss, may seem to some as a lack of judgment, but I appreciate their sacrifice as it represents the idealism of our nations founders--a willingness to "hang together or surely hang apart."

I am sickened by the loss inherent in war. I pray to God that his encircling arms of protection guard those whose lives are threatened by evil. I pray for a quick and peaceful resolution of the conflicts in our world. I am mindful of those on the other side who fight for their ideals, and I am forced to conclude that communication and genuine attempts at improving the lives of impoverished and downtrodden people can eliminate enemies just as surely as bullets from a machine gun--but without the terrible loss of life and of the integrity of our own nation.

Mark Twain puts it best in his "War Prayer":

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came -- next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams -- visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation

*God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!*

Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory --

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

"I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(*After a pause.*) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!"

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

I pray that God will bring our troops home safely and that He will protect the innocent in war-plagued lands. I close with a fervent prayer for the day when troops are no longer needed.

Plateau Barata Nikto!

That title was the only way I could feel better about it. Yes, I seem to have hit a plateau--though technically one week of maintenance rather than loss does not a plateau make. Too many sweeties? Too little exercise?
It's hard to ward off discouragement. It's better now, though, than when I actually gained weight one week.
As for my plan to eat more vegetables and real foods rather than junk food--things are going...a little too well. I feel like my tummy's going to explode in a burst of watermelon, green beans and carrots. (and even though I'm full, I still want cookies or something....)

Party Party Party

this was supposed to be a cute picture where I was balancing the little cupcake on my tongue. turns out that my mouth is much smaller and the cupcake is much bigger than I had anticipated.

The beginning of the summer is crazy for keeping to a lower calorie lifestyle. Husband's birthday, Mom and sister's birthday, my birthday, mother's day, memorial day barbeques and breakfasts, cakes and cookies and ice cream and cheese steak sandwiches and french fries and brownies and soda pop and pie and heavy pastas and lots of salad dressing and candy!

I'm torn between two worlds: the old world of weight gain where I could eat whatever I wanted (and got sick a lot) and could have as much as I wanted, and this one, where I have to watch what and how much I eat.

I am happy when I make good dietary choices, but I feel like I've still got a foothold in the old world--I want to eat tons of brownies and potato salad and hamburgers and hot dogs and toffee chip ice cream--I can't shake the addition to the sweets. My problem is that I sacrifice eating good foods so that I can eat more junky foods. This upcoming week, I want to change the way I make my choices. After all, I can eat more overall if I eat fewer goodies.
Good luck to me this week.

Free, Food and Free Food

I decided I really like free things so I signed up for a bunch of restaurant and store fan clubs (in light of my upcoming birthday). Well, the goodies started rolling in so yesterday we went to a restaurant where I had a coupon as well as a free piece of cake. It was an Italian restaurant so I wanted to do a little homework before I left.
I looked on the menu to find things I thought would be tasty and then I tried to calculate first the nutrition and then how much of the dish I could eat while not going over budget Point-wise. Turns out (and I saved up a little) you can have half of the fettucine alfredo without any meat and with added vegetables, a side salad sans cheese and croutons and with a tiny little droplet of dressing (okay, not THAT tiny, but not as much as you would really want), a couple Mediterranean olives and a small roll-sized nibble of bread (without olive oil), and 1/8th of the piece of the free chocolate cake.
As I calculated these numbers I was shocked and horrified by the number of calories in all of these things: Fettucine alfredo, 780 Calories, Olive oil, 120 calories per tablespoon (I thought it was supposed to be healthy), Bread--I couldn't find but I saved 3 points for it ~120-150 calories., and...Chocolate cake, 1580 calories. I almost fell off my chair when I read that! That is 39 Points!!!! (My allotment is 26/day). In case you're thinking that I don't get many calories on this lifestyle plan, I want to let you know that Points are calculated based on calories as well as fat (102g in the cake!!!) and fiber. A little piece of chocolate can be 1.5 points (even if about 50 calories). I have these highly fibery wraps that I use for lunch--they have about 100 calories and 9 grams of fiber (they're okay, but it's a little like eating cardboard) and they are only 1 Point! So technically, if I ate only those wraps, I could have 2600 calories each day (though I doubt my intestines would react positively). On the other hand, if I just ate that special chocolate cake, I could have about 2/3rds of it in a day. And it wasn't as big as I thought it would be.

The most annoying thing about eating out is although everybody should have their nutrition posted, there are certain menu items mysteriously missing. For example: the peasant bread from dinner last night. And: The Mile-High Cake at Champps (which I was going to use as a size and nutritional comparison to my cake.
Clearly, restaurants are in this to make money by making the biggest, richest, most delicious dishes ever. But it's not doing anyone any favors to make it so difficult to find out how unhealthy these goodies really are. Even if I couldn't eat my whole piece of chocolate cake, I appreciated knowing that I could have a little bit of it without destroying my goals.
Also, I got a sweet eye-makeup set from Sephora for my birthday! Free things don't only come in the 1580 calorie variety!!

dog days

tired of wearing sunscreen, I have adopted hat-wearing!

It was extraordinarily hot today. I am aiming for a more regular sleep schedule--starting with eliminating naps. I'm hoping this will put the snap back in my step. I'm starting to realize that no amount of sleep later can compensate missing a good night's sleep.

is hope on the way? the cool breeze that has been rattling the wooden chimes (that is not a picture of a robot alien) has picked up, the sky has clouded over, and I'm hoping soon we'll have some rain!

I'm always thinking of reasons to lose weight, and yet another one occurred to me today. I really don't enjoy going to the doctor, and I've noticed that as I put on weight I began having to visit the doctor more--and my respiratory issues got worse. My goal for health care is preventative maintenance rather than palliative treatments.

Speaking of which....
Today my little friend Greta had to go to the doctor for a check up and to get caught up on her vaccinations...three of them....

say WHAT??!!

There's nothing like having to work with two other people to hold down a thrashing eighteen-pound puppy in order to get a blood sample. Greta got a little cranky. Especially after the second shot. By the third one she was ready to go home.

Greta gets to reward herself with treats--even if I don't.

she also gets a nap. (I can't take a picture of her with her eyes closed but they have been and she's still in the same position sleeping).

Happy Sad Singing Dancing Friends

Let's just say today was HOT. I've lived in Ohio for almost 6 years and I still can't believe how horribly hot humidity can make you feel. In an effort to conserve energy, I turned off the A/C while I began packing up for our big move. This was a mistake. 20 minutes in, my soul died. I had a headache, my dog had used our bedroom as her bathroom, the cherry coke zero that had seemed so refreshing earlier in the day seemed to be eating my stomach lining.
The old standby for depression seemed pretty tempting. If I could just eat a whole batch of cookie dough, I'm was sure I would feel much better.
But earlier today I went to a dance performance by my Big Brothers Big Sisters little sister Cameron (schools from around the city partner with BalletMet and send their fifth graders to dance class for eight months, after which they put on a show in one of the big professional theatres. (though technically the theatre wasn't that big)). Their performance was entitled, "Dancing Down the Road to Good Health." There were kids of all colors, shapes and sizes throughout the performance. I was so proud of Cameron, but I was also just in awe of the bravery of some of the kids who, unlike Cameron, were overweight. Some of these kids were quite a bit bigger than their classmates, and, dancing in a program about being healthy and fit had to be kind of awkward for them. But their presence reminded me that fitness is not about what size or shape you are, but how you feel about yourself. I can think of a number of people who are overweight, but eat healthy foods, get a lot of sleep and exercise. I can think of a number of skinny minis who have disastrous diets, don't exercise, and stay up all night on a regular basis.
Anyway, I had hoped to post a link to the show, which was recorded, and should be televised, but I can't find it right now--so I'll try to post it later.
Even with this good example, I was still feeling just a little down. (and by a little I mean a lot). I haven't been exercising like I should, and I just feel bummed out and like napping all the time. I was not enjoying being around myself. My dog insisted on going out, despite having just soiled the floor, and I took her out. My husband had said over the phone that maybe a cleansing walk was what I needed. Turns out you can't be cleansed when going outside is like entering a swamp on the sun. But, going outside does provide an opportunity to get the mail. I had forgotten that my childhood best friend (I still consider her one of my best friends, but I wanted to emphasize that she's been around the longest) was sending me something in the mail. I opened the mail box and there was a filthy package inside. It looked like it had been run over by a car--which given our past experiences with the mail service here, may well be true. All the other mail in the box had dirt on it from being next to the package. Luckily the contents were intact. An awesome shower curtain (in homage to the film 'Psycho') and a great mix cd inspired by yours truly were enclosed. The thing that really changed my day was the note written on the cd. It made me feel so loved. It came right at the exact right moment to change my outlook. Thanks, Esther!

It looks just like a big tire ran all the way over it. the incompetence of my post office has besmirched the first birthday card of the season, too. (from the dentist)

Anyway, today I've been listening (over and over and over) to "I Dreamed a Dream" as sung on Glee by Idina Menzel and Lea Michele. I really, really like the arrangement, especially the drama of the last stanza " I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed." That duet is amazing. Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7fWz4WBNs4 and then buy it from iTunes. and then listen to it and sing along until you pass out.
Below is my dramatic reenactment of how I felt today: (also I think that dramatic should be spelled with two "m"s because it is more drammmmmatic!)

after the tigers with voices soft as thunder tore my hope apart

let's face it--there's no happy part in that song
BUT: super fun teaser: I will put my first singing recording on the blog as a reward for me getting to 185lbs. (which I'm not at yet--but be patient). Unfortunately, you don't get a reward. Sorry.
also, that's not a weird bobble in my hair right in the center. It is Christopher Robin's head from our Winnie the Pooh calendar.

Sweeties, a Home and HOT! (Continued)

Try whole wheat crackers with Nutella. They're the best of both worlds--healthy crackers and delicious chocolate. 3 Weight Watcher Points.

Sunday nights, my husband and I call our families on speaker phone to catch up. (of course, I call my family basically every day anyway.) Sometimes we supplement this with video games played online over the wii with his brother and sister in law. Since now, most of his family has joined in on the weight loss game, we had the chance to compare notes a little bit. We talked about our food vices-basically the genre of food without which, we would never eat too much. My husband does not have a weight problem, but he LOVES breakfast foods. His birthday breakfast--for dinner--was chocolate-bacon pancakes. My brother-in-law said dinner foods are his vice. And mine--mine are sweeties. I love sweets. I like healthy food for my meals BUT I love goodies, any time of the day. My big challenge in trying to lose weight is to find lower impact ways to satisfy my sweet tooth. I try fruits and yogurt and low fat ice cream, but in the end, it seems bets just to have a tiny, tiny bit of the real stuff. It satisfies the craving without loading up my belly. As long as I make sure to eat lots of healthy foods around the day (and that's a challenge too), I don't feel too bad about it.

We just got loan approval on our house. I feel excited but also apprehensive about our finances. I hope my plants can survive for another month without south-facing sun. It will be nice to have more than three rooms for about the same price we pay for our two rents plus no daft corporate landlords.

I've been trying to find exercise through cleaning in preparation for the move. Lately I've been trying to de-horrible our couch--which needs to be cleaned. I've stripped the cushions, washed the covers, and soaked the cushions themselves in bleach and detergent and used hot water to rinse them. Drying is the problem. I put them out on top of my truck, and I hope it works. But even if it doesn't work, we were going to have to throw the couch away anyway.

they look so clean from far away! Let's hope they dry all the way through, cause it is humid, and ....

...the sky is looking a little ominous...

HOT!

I may look happy now, but look at the sun beating down. First come freckles, then comes....

(Okay, I admit it. This is from an asthma incident unrelated to summer that took place way before the first picture. check out the steam coming from my mask!)

Today I saw an egg on the sidewalk. It hadn't fried yet, but I'm pretty sure it was about to because it sucks outside. I mean, it's beautiful, but it sucks.
Maybe it was wearing a skirt suit with nylons (is that what people say now? tights? panty-hose?--it all seems the same to me) in a car with no air conditioning to go to a job interview. (as a side note, that's really the bummer about being a "professional." You have to dress like you're on Mad Men but rather than it being sexy hot, it is just temperature hot.)
I'm not a fan of the summer heat, but kind of in the same way that someone could not be a fan of N'Sync--you may have a lot to dislike about it, but you can't help being sucked into the celebration anyway.
Anybody who is overweight knows that summer is the most uncomfortable season of the year. There's a lot of surface area so more places to sweat and be hot. There's a lot of overlapping skin so you get all chafey and stinky. There are a lot of outdoor physical activities to emphasize your mediocre physical condition in the gleaming sun. For me personally, add moderate allergies and seriously sensitive skin (one of the many follies of my youth was my participation in a skin study for $250. They sunburned areas of your skin, biopsied them and stitched you up. I still have the horrific-looking scar. It looks like I was kidnapped by pirates who stole some organs in a hackneyed surgery, packed me up with ice and used a staple gun to close me up before dumping me on the front steps of a hospital in a developing country. The sunburn was inflicted with a UV light directed at specific patches on my hip. They just wanted a minor sunburn and 7 minutes was about the average time it took for the normal white person to get slightly reddened. I sunburned in just over two minutes and have the dubious distinction of being the person with the lowest threshold sunburn time in a sample of several hundred people.) and you understand why I sometimes feel ambivalent about the whole summer thing.
Now that I'm losing weight, I wonder how much that will change. Obviously, my allergies and lack of skin pigment will always be an issue--but if I'm not huffing and puffing through a game of ultimate frisbee (my least favorite game in the world, by the way), will my attitude toward summer change? Stay tuned. (p.s. I am super hungry and lunch is "settling" in the microwave and my house now smells like maple syrup (from last night's dinner) and thai food, and it doesn't make as good a combination as you might think....

Kid/Dog Food

A couple weeks ago on Glee, one of the characters was talking about how she used to starve herself to stay thin, but since she got pregnant and started taking care of herself, she realized that if she was willing to treat her body well on behalf of someone else, why shouldn't she be willing to treat her body well for her own benefit. I've been thinking about that recently after watching parents interact with their kids and how my husband and I interact with our dog. Parents want their kids to be healthy, and it's funny how that can sometimes play out. I'll have a piece of cake, but I don't want my kid to eat cake because it's not good for them, it could make their stomach hurt, and I'd rather they fill up on fruits and vegetables. Even with our dog, we'll feed her fruit and veggie table scraps, but we really don't want her to eat candy or cake or other sweets, even if she really begs and looks cute, because we're worried about what it will do to her body. Meanwhile, we keep reaching into the bag of [insert junk food here] for more. I understand the selfless love that people can have for one another--of sacrificing one's desires or even needs to satisfy the wants and needs of others. But in most cases, it should be just as easy to filter our food intake the same way we want to filter the food intake of our kids (or puppies). Most of us are not in a situation where there is no alternative but for one person (either the adult or the kid) to eat food loaded in calories, fat, sodium, and sugar. It's a no-brainer but even people with pretty good brains seem to space out on this one sometimes. We wouldn't use just anything that burns to fuel up our car, so why should we use just anything that's edible to fuel our bodies. We don't need to cut out the crap altogether, but most people could probably benefit from toning it down just a little bit. That's another goal for me--and it's another reason why I like being on a Point system rather than just counting calories. If you turn down one junky food, you can have a little more of something that has more vitamins or minerals. I can have a 1/2 cup scoop of (incredibly delicious) toffee chip ice cream, or some crackers and cheese, vegetables, fruit and a light yogurt. Frankly, sometimes I do choose the toffee chip ice cream. It's okay as long as you keep a rein on what you're eating overall. But I feel better about myself when I make the healthier choice because I know my system is going to work that much better, I won't get hungry as fast, and I'm treating my body the way it deserves to be treated. Remember the golden rule has another corollary: do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.

Sushi (Reprise)

my fun decorations before a tragic mishap during fetch with my dog left a slobbery plush rabbit hanging from the tattered remains

I am now a sushi chef. I won't cook for anyone who likes perfect sushi, and I don't know how to prepare anything that contains raw fish. BUT if you like fruits and veggies and smoked salmon and fat free cream cheese, hit me up!
Today was yet another day where everything seemed appealing. And frankly, I had a little of everything. A little bit of Belgian Waffle, half a hot dog, some eggs, watermelon, carrots, apples, and many various kinds of sushi. We went to the book store and hung out. I think one of the best things about changing the way you eat is the spare time you have. When you can't use food as an outlet for boredom, anxiety, stress, anger, depression, etc., you have to come up with something else to do. Napping only fits the bill for so long. I've been doing art, singing, learning the guitar, reading a lot of blissfully mindless horror stories (except that means that my dog has to sleep in my bed at night) and (gasp!) applying for jobs. I have an interview on Monday! If I get the job, I'll be teaching high schoolers about law and law school for a four-week course beginning in July.
(Even though it is now technically Sunday the 24th, this still counts as my Saturday post).

Character and Fitness

Today was my character and fitness interview for admission to the Ohio Bar. Every time I think about it I think about the Presidential Fitness Tests we had to take in elementary and middle school. The worst one, the absolute worst, was the chin-up test. Even in the best of times, I could never do a chin-up. In class with a whole slew of people from all levels of social standing watching you is far from the best of times. I don't remember watching anyone else do their chin-ups, but I felt as if all eyes were on me as I stepped up to the bar. My palms were sweaty, which certainly didn't help, but either way my chin-ups were a gross parody of athleticism. With a jump I could hold myself in place for a moment, but I could never lift myself from a standing position to a full chin-up--especially when we were required to pull ourselves up over-handed rather than underhanded. Well, anyway, my brief foray into gymnastics was not a success.
As class ended, the gym teacher signaled for me to come closer. "I could tell just by looking at you," she said, "that you couldn't do a chin-up. I used to be the same way."
To this day, it still kind of rankles that she said that. And by kind of, I mean it really, really rankles. I was chubby even when I was young. Telling me that you knew I wasn't going to be able to do something physical in no way helps me to be healthier, and frankly makes me want to eat a bunch of cookies to feel better. Part of the reason I'm talking about my struggle with weight now is so that people, even the really young ones, can realize that being unhappy with your body is not a good motivator for weight loss. Nervous, depressed, and stressed overeating is part of what keeps overweight people overweight. Your patterns are not going to permanently changed just because what you're feeling nervous, depressed and stressed about is your weight.
I have a goal to do a chin-up some day. I work toward it with regular free-weights and by practicing chin-ups on the snazzy doorway chin-up bar my husband gave me for Christmas. At this point, if I work with all of my might, and my husband gives me a little boost, I can actually do a chin up! Wait 'til I can do it on my own! And when I am able to do it on my own, it won't be because some gym teacher attempted to give me the "I used to be fat, like you!" talk, but because I like myself enough to treat my body with the respect it needs to be strong and healthy.

CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!

i know EXACTLY how she feels

Today is a toughie. This whole week actually. Unfortunately, that's just typical for the week after the monthlies. I feel hungry. I could eat the whole world and still have the munchies. And so this week there is no fine line between self-control and deprivation. There's none of the positive feeling of eating just what you need and not more--I feel like Golem--I just can't get enough of THE PRECIOUS. Food feels like the enemy today--and it is especially rough because today is my husband's birthday, and we have cake, junk food, chocolates, treats, goodies, and we're going out to eat! Ordinarily it's okay to have a little bit of a few things and I can feel satisfied AND good about myself. Today I want all of everything. I've been saving up points for dinner tonight. I got grumpier and grumpier all day until finally I gave up on actually making the cake and went out and bought one. And now even as I'm blogging I'm in a staring contest with the cake. It wants to beat my self control. I want to let it.
But you just have to keep going and keep trying. The ultimate sense of accomplishment when the munchies finally abate is worth it. Knowing that a little self-control now will leave me healthier, happier and in better shape later is what keeps me going.
I want to be clear: I am eating according to my online Weight Watchers plan--which gives me a healthy number of points to use each day and flexible points during the week. I typically use all of them--and I'm losing weight without normally feeling deprived. Frankly, even before I was on a reduced calorie lifestyle, I could never feel full during these weeks. The question is whether to give in or keep going. I'm trying to keep going.

Mi5f1tS

my representation of my husband and me. in real life we both have hair

I honestly don't know where these rules come from, but I know them and I know that many people at one time or another have been confronted by them in their relationships. When a man and a woman are in a relationship, the woman should: 1) be younger than the man, 2) be shorter than the man, 3) be skinnier than the man.
Think of all the fuss that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher caused when they started dating. Think of the night my Grandpa introduced his parents to his slightly taller fiance (my grandmother) and all his mother could say was "She's too big for you!" (Maybe in German it sounds nicer.) Think of Sandra Bullock saying she would kill herself in While You Were Sleeping if her pants were big enough to fit Bill Pullman. Of Jack Sprat and wife, for crying out loud! Now think of me. As of last weigh-in, I weigh about 50lbs more than my husband. And it feels...sad. Granted, he's a bit of a featherweight and I have never been. BUT, I still feel like there's something wrong with me for violating this carnal rule. And then I really thought about it.
There is no reason why any of these rules exist! (unless perhaps you consider the age one--males typically have a shorter lifespan and so if a woman marries an older man, there doesn't have to be such a long stretch between his death and hers (but that's only assuming both die natural deaths, both are average members of their sex in their country, and both lack any underlying medical conditions)--this is not really a compelling reason in my opinion). Love can strike regardless of age, height, or waist size.
But it bothers me. I wonder if my husband really thinks I'm attractive if I'm not small enough to pick up and carry around, if when I wear his shirts I stretch out the chest, and if my pants could not only fit him, but would require a belt and suspenders just to keep from falling down around his ankles.
I must admit that my ultimate weight loss goal is a little less than my husband's weight (His weight is at the top end of my healthy weight range.) That makes me feel as though I'm doing this just to follow a stupid unspoken societal rule. But even if just implied, these rules really can hurt. I feel like I'm not feminine enough. In photos I stand slightly behind him so that I don't look as big in comparison. I get paranoid sometimes at social events that our weight discrepancy is inviting judgment. BUT THIS IS WRONG. THIS IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
When I ask my husband, he tells me he loves me just the way I am. When I talk about losing weight, he doesn't treat it as though I will become more attractive to him, but rather makes it clear that he is proud of me for becoming healthier. He is the one who helps me believe that these rules don't matter, and the one who will support me no matter what.
When I lose weight, it doesn't mean that I did it to fulfill a social expectation. But how do you balance your personal integrity with your weight loss goals? I can't help appreciating that my husband can lift me now. If I continue to lose weight, I won't feel like a sell-out if my clothes don't billow around him.
There are many reasons why people want to lose weight. There are at least as many factors behind two people falling in love. I won't deny that physical appearance plays a role. But I also know that sparks can still fly even if the two of you wouldn't be paired together in a romantic comedy.

Eyebrows, Sushi and THAT time of the month

note the use of the word "meticulous" rather than "perfect"
I'm still rather proud of them though.
(and I look like an alien if you cover up the whole eye except for the tear ducts)

1. Eyebrows:
I have an obsession with plucking my eyebrows. Though maybe "obsession" is a little harsh. About once every 2 months I purge my eyebrows of all the nasty crooked, stray or super-long hairs. It hurts a lot, but I still enjoy doing it because it doesn't take a lot of time and yet it makes me feel like I am really meticulous about my hygiene (though plucking my eyebrows and brushing my teeth are about the only two really regular concessions to hygiene that I actually ever make). The irony of it is that I have such fair hair that no one would ever notice if I did or didn't pluck my eyebrows, unless they were specifically looking. I think if I had a unibrow, or only one eyebrow or no eyebrows at all, I would look basically the same. So plucking is really something I just do for me--to make myself feel pampered and special. Even when I wear pjs to school I'm hiding this little secret from the world. I have meticulously groomed eyebrows.

2. Sushi: I love it. Though technically I don't really eat much raw fish with it--I really like tamago, which is this sweet egg lashed to rice with a thin strip of seaweed, and I really, really, really like salmon and cream cheese with cucumber or asparagus. Why couldn't I like the healthy sushi? I'm planning a sushi party this weekend so I can practice making my own sushi (hopefully with lower fat/healthier ingredients: fat free cream cheese, brown rice, etc. Hopefully I will save money and calories.

3. THAT time of the month. I tried to think of a family friendlier euphemism but I didn't want to sound like someone who thinks up euphemisms for periods. What I didn't realize when I started my weight loss lifestyle is that your period can make a big difference in your weight. After 4 weeks consistently losing weight, two weeks ago I unexpectedly gained 2.2 pounds! And I was eating less than I had previous weeks. I was cranky about it and got online to see if others had had this experience. Turns out, many women have reported significant weight gain during their periods. The particular message board I looked at involved women trying to lose weight who indicated they had gained up to 10lbs during their period (this sounds judgmental but I have to think that the woman who gained ten pounds was either really really overweight, so proportionally that wasn't that much, or simply deluding herself about her feel-better snacks during pms). Many women reported gaining 2-4lbs during their period. This made me feel a little better--but I was still frustrated and worried. Is it possible that I just CAN'T lose weight?!! I'm I forgetting things I've eaten? Could it be that the nutrition facts on the things I'm eating are wrong? The intervening week was one of the longest of my life. I stuck with the plan (though the online program upped the amount of food I should eat each week (as if I couldn't handle limiting my caloric intake by an additional 50 calories each day--adding insult to injury). By the end of the week, I didn't know what was going to happen. Sunday is Judgment day each week, and I use the wii fit--a notoriously rude source of weight loss motivation. To make a long story short, I was back down!! It was four pounds from the period gain, but technically two pounds if I had just stayed on track! What I've taken from this experience is that a) weight loss is not magical--if you take in fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight b) there are many reasons why having a period sucks--it shouldn't be surprising to discover another.

13.8

this is me "before"

Food has a starring role in one of my earliest memories.

I am very young. I'm crawling on the floor--brown shag carpeting. I move toward the television stand. Something is playing but I'm more focused on my travels. The metal bars of the tv stand are cold against my arms as I move forward. I am distracted by something shiny and green. Because I am basically an infant I try to learn more about this strange new object by plopping it straight into my mouth. My eyes open wide! Tangy but sweet, my tongue feels like its dancing. I scarcely notice the brown fuzz that has hitched a ride into my mouth on board the sticky candy. For the first time, I feel love.

It would be years before I would realize how disgusting this experience really was, though I'm still partial to green apple Jolly Ranchers (I now prefer them to be wrapped, free of fuzz and not pre-sucked.) And gross as it is, I picture this event as the beginning of my lifetime love affair with food. As I entered my teens, my love affair begin to veer dangerously toward dependency. Food was always there for me, when friends and family didn't understand. Food accompanied moments of great triumph and great sadness. Whether I was celebrating my birthday or mourning the end of my first real relationship, there was a special meal to get me through it.
By the time I was 20, the net result of this relationship was a bulging waistline, low self-esteem, and a myriad of illnesses. I would try on and off to lose weight with exercise, dieting, and so forth, but would usually fall of the wagon the moment school got tough, or I had a fight with my boyfriend, or I was just tired and under stress.
About 2 months ago, I decided to try another program. It seems to be working because it focuses on portion control. These two months have included the purchase of a house, finals season, troubles with the land lord, the planning of a surprise party for my husband, and the search for a job, but I've been able to keep with the program. It has started to pay off. I'm down 13.8 pounds. This blog is the next step; to chronicle my struggles, triumphs, frustrations and explore my relationship with food.
And it's also more than that. I want to tell my story because I see myself as more than a number on a scale or on the clothes rack. I don't think that being my ideal weight will make me a better person, or change my value as a person. I'm well aware, however, that that is the type of thinking that surrounds the overweight continually--and I sometimes find myself falling prey to those thoughts myself.
What I want is more than just to lose weight. I want to be healthier and in better shape, but most of all I just want to be seen for who I really am--as a regular person who is losing weight for herself, but NOT to define herself.

this is me "after"
(note that the pose, angle and distance are different--the actual change is unfortunately not quite as dramatic as it appears).