Finals Week(s) or My Personal Hell

I had my last day of school yesterday. It was deeply meaningful. Actually, it wasn't--but I did get to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, so that was something to do. I have my first final on Friday. It's on Regulation of Securities Distribution. I am nervous becasue I don't know the subject as well as I would like. Then I don't have another final for a week--next Friday I have Sales--an easier topic for me, but the professor has a rep for giving awful finals. Finally, commercial paper on Monday, December 21st. Give me strength...

I'm having a bit of a rough time, to be honest. I recently learned that I have a depth perception issue that surfaces both long distance and close up. I'm getting new glasses to help me deal with it, but in the mean time, I'm facing some unfortunate issues--like...when I read for any length of time, I get incredibly tired. I had been thinking it was because I was lazy--but it's actually a symptom of my eye problem. My eyes get super tired because they have to strain to make me not see double. The eye doc told me to look out the window for a while after each 20 minutes of reading. Unfortunately, since I have a perception issue there, it doesn't seem to be helping me much, either. But this new diagnosis is changing a lot. It helps explain why my eyes make me feel like I need a nap a lot, even when my body isn't really that tired. Right now, my eyes feel so tired, even though I had a really long night's sleep.

I read an article about my problem--it made me a little sleepy, too, as a matter of fact :). It was about a girl who, though she had always been bright, tested at a 1st grade reading level in 5th grade. Her teachers' perception of her as "slow," marred her self-esteem and academic progress until she was finally diagnosed with the problem. Now I'm wondering if the fact that it is so much harder for me to read has hampered me academically, too. Certainly, I've found that I can't read for very long periods of time without really really needing to go take a nap. When I drive and stare out at nothing for a long time, I find myself getting horribly sleepy. Now I wonder if that's why I like to take a book to bed--it helps me fall asleep.

Anyway, help is hopefully on the way in the form of prism lenses in my new glasses. they refract the light in a way that counteracts my eyes' discrepancy so my muscles don't have to strain to read things clearly. My eye doctor gave me a demonstration during my visit, forming a prism out of two lenses and placing them in front of my eye. It made seeing so much easier! It made both long distance and up close images appear much sharper, but I didn't have to squint to achieve that effect. This sounds stupid to say, but it was really a life changing moment, when I realized how much strain my eye muscles felt when they had to go back to fending for themselves. No wonder I nap so much!

Anyway, I feel frustrated that I have to keep studying without my prism lenses for a while. They're due in just in time for my final final exam. We'll see if they have the impact I hope they will. I feel so cranky that I feel so tired--again, just in my eyes. My husband often gets after me for taking naps so much, but I wish he knew what it felt like so he could understand why I do do it so much.

There are a limited number of things you can do without seeing. Studying for an exam by reviewing all of the slides shown in your class is not one of them.
Dang.

Baby's First Arson Attempt

so proud...our house didn't burn down. It's an envelope with some little kid drawings on them. I think they "mailed" it down the heat register. There was nothing inside the envelope. I had high hopes of state secrets or at least a long-lost confession to a murder, but, alas...

I'm feeling a bit melodramatic today. At first, I was going to entitle this entry "My Hit List" but I didn't want to end up on "My Nation's Watch List." Besides, everything on my hit list was an inanimate object. They were all things that I needed with varying degrees of desperation today, but that I couldn't find.
First was my nasal saline spray. I couldn't make any facial expressions that involved the use of my nose without serious injury because my nasal membranes were so dry. Only in my left nostril though. I think that's the bad one.

my nose may look normal on the outside, but it is a crotchety old lady with dry, withered skin inside. this picture was taken in the Mansfield Reformatory before weight-loss began. please notice that the grim reaper appears to be making an appearance in profile over to the top left of the frame. I can't believe I didn't notice this at the time!

Then it was the wrapping paper--We bought a huge roll, big enough to cover our entire house--and it was suddenly gone. So I made a "hit list" of the things I was missing and basically played "Where's Waldo?" in my house until I found them.

My nose feels soo much better. I wrapped some presents, too!

Now if only I could find my acrylic paint set.....

Wombats are the Cutest Things Ever and Mortality

admit it: you want to cuddle one (photo by Noodle Snacks)

two fun facts about wombats:
1. as members of the marsupial family, they have a pouch, but unlike kangaroos, they carry their pouch on back so they don't cover their babies in dirt when they dig, which they apparently do a lot.
2. they. have. square. poop.


I heard my roommate talking the other day about making a will. She was like, "I could get killed in a car accident tomorrow." That thought stunned me. I am not insane. I realize that we can and will all die at some point. I just can't talk about it in an objective way. I feel like Gob (from Arrested Development, not from the bible, even though it's pronounced the same as Job) when he says, "I was thinking, if anything ever happened to me...just...how sad I'd be." Fortunately, I found a way to think about how I could get killed by a crazed lunatic last night. I came home at like 5pm and hung out for a really long time, took a shower, exercised (yes, in that order. no, I don't know why) and so on. Then my roommate came home and asked why the back door was wide open. Presumably it had been wide open all day. I couldn't stop the shower scene from 'Psycho' playing in my head. With me in the starring role. (as the victim, not as Norman Bates).

And let's be honest, part of losing weight is being healthy. I want to be healthy because the alternative is not healthy. Sometimes not healthy can get pretty serious. Like death. That's as directly as I can talk about my mortality right now, but if it's spurring me on to lose weight, that's good enough for me. I feel depressed now. I need to hug a wombat.

Also, I was exonerated on Biggest Loser. I was added back into the results and was not eliminated this week. That doesn't change the fact that I'm still not going to win next week, BUT, it is good to stay alive, even if it's just virtually.

Biggest Loser Loser

I am in class right now.

I got disqualified this week from Biggest Loser, but only because she didn't get my e-mail reporting my weight. But I sent it.
My tummy hurts. Maybe I didn't really want a slurpee after all. I just saw some thing on cnn about Obama's slurpee summit and thought--I want that!! Now I want some aspirin. Hopefully, I will be back re-qualified, though since this is the last week, I think I would have to lose a leg to win. And I don't want to.

They switched up Weight Watchers this week. It's basically inflation. I now have 30 daily points and 49 weekly points--I used to have 25 daily points and 35 weekly points. They no longer count calories (I mean, they technically do, because they have carbos and fat), but they calculate based on carbos, fat, fiber and protein.

Tragically, carbos comprise about 99% of my diet (not really, but I do like them best) and this new formulation really sticks it to you when you have a carbo. On the better side, fruits and vegetables now have zero points!! We'll see how it goes, but as you can probably tell (by virtue of the slurpee), it's been a rough week so far.

I totally forgot both my cell phone and computer chargers on Monday. I was so upset. I'm still pretty much done with school. I just feel like I've been wrung out. Fortunately, school is almost finished--I technically have 2 days left after today. By technically I also mean practically. I didn't realize this, but I only have school next monday (tuesday is a constructive thursday, and I don't have class on Thursday). Then come exams. Hopefully between them comes a little bit of studying.

I did exercise yesterday. It was awesome. I got little weights from my mother-in-law, and I did some weighted-squats and even did really high reps of regular bicep curls, etc. It was fun. I want a nap now. I just participated in class! I'm supposed to be "on call" today, which means that I'm supposed to answer any textbook questions that the teacher asks me. I just answered one, even though she's just been doing most of them herself.

the rundown

1. christmas is coming: i have purchased/planned many gifts and i am super excited

2. i had a zero sum game this week, thankfully, it was super hard but I did not gain (even though I did not lose).

3. i thought nothing on earth could be worse than a 2 hour lecture followed by a 1 hour simulated-negotiation on a Monday night, but I was proved wrong tonight when we skipped the sim and had a 3 hour lecture instead. I saw people literally pulling out their eyelashes to stay awake. *that statement may not have been true.

4. Whole Foods makes the best potato soup ever (outside of homemade).

5. my roommate's husband is home for a while from the army--either I'm missing something or military personnel go to bed REALLY early.

6. I still cannot find an explanation for "quantitative easement" that doesn't make me feel lightheaded and angry

7. 9 days of school left! (by which I mean out of the Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays that I go to school, there are 9 days left--and I'm not counting next Wednesday because I don't think that's going to happen.

8. putting a damper on the fact that next Wednesday's classes aren't going to happen for me is the fact that I have a makeup class scheduled for the night before--as in, my commute night. Last time this happened, I just sat in class and wiggled for 50 minutes. My brain is shot after my natural last class--trying to squeeze an extra one in just doesn't work for me.

9. my husband is wicked sick. I feel really bad for him. This morning I said I should stay home and take care of him. It started out as a joke, but as he worsened, I worried that maybe I really should be there to make sure he doesn't die. He seems to be doing better though, so I'm staying.

10. If you're ever looking for a really aggravating alternative to reality, try the Nancy Drew computer games. They sound all innocent and light-hearted, but they're super scary and super hard. I made the mistake of thinking I was a "Master Detective" (the only alternative to "Junior" so can you blame me?). I have a number of things I'm supposed to do at any given point, and a couple of days have elapsed since I last played, and I can't remember what I'm supposed to do. The game won't progress until I do it--none of the characters will talk to me, and when I clicked on my checklist to see what it was I was forgetting, all it said was "I'm a Master Detective, and I don't need a checklist to remind me of the things I need to do." So...let me get this straight: the older you are, the LESS you need to write things down to remember them... I keep muddling through, getting super frustrated, and looking up the game "walkthroughs" online--essentially cheating. But you know what? I feel the same sense of accomplishment when I complete one of the mind-numbingly physically impossible challenges by cheating as I do when I figure it out on my own. Even if you have to cheat to win it still means you're outsmarting the computer. Right...?

11. I wouldn't recommend the salmon pasta salad at Whole Foods. It kind of reminded me of when you're a little kid playing at the beach for the first time, and your mouth is open wide because you are laughing hysterically while you are buffeted by the waves, and then a big gob of sea foam froths into your mouth and you realize how much like being in hell it is to be in the filthy waves churning with the poop of people, land animals and all of the sea creatures who are probably just waiting to slurp you up and recycle you back into the ocean that only moments ago you thought was so lovely. I still ate my whole little container of it, though...

Have a pleasant evening!

Sweaty and Piggy

I just took what may have been the hottest shower ever survived by a human. At the time it felt good. Now it feels...hot. and sleepy. good thing it's bed time!

this week has been kind of weird, diet-wise (again, not diet as in restricting what I eat, but diet as in the total mix of things that I consume). Yesterday and today, I've gotten extremely hungry early in the evening, but had to delay gratification. Apparently, my body is able to accept eating a smaller amount of food throughout the day, but it draws the line at going without food for a terribly long time (yesterday and today the cutoff point for terribly long has been around an hour and a half).

Long story short, I am front-loading while I'm away from home--allowing myself to consume my flexible points early in the week--so I can get serious when I'm back around more fresh produce and ways to preserve it--also home-cooked meals (not like the kind grandma used to make--more like the kind richard simmons daydreams about).

Speaking of which, those little containers--I'd say they're about half a pint if that--of raspberries are 10/$10 at our grocery store this week. Most of my snacks down here are complex carbohydrates--but today, I got a little thing of raspberries and snarfed it down like my dog when a cookie falls on the floor and I chase after her to get it and despite the fact that it is roughly the size of her head, she sucks it up in the amount of time it takes for her to run around the room and hide under the couch. Okay, maybe I savored the raspberries a LITTLE more than that...

Anyway, it's kind of hard not to feel guilty about eating a lot, even if it's within the plan and you've given yourself permission to do it.

Ah, shucks...please pass the raspberries...

2 Steps Forward and 1 Step Back

The MOST frustrating thing about weight loss is that it moves so slowly, and that a set back can set you back soo far.

Two weeks ago: down 3.1lbs
Last week: up 1.3lbs

Net loss: 1.8lbs--not bad, but less than 1lb per week.

This week: down 2.4lbs, for a total of 4.4lbs in the past 3 weeks, which is almost 1.5lbs a week on average for the past 3 weeks.

I don't know what next week will bring, but I do feel discouraged. I sometimes feel like the work of one day should constitute a sufficient atonement for all of my past bingeing, and that I should be able to then be back to a healthy weight, having learned my lesson and exercising more self-control next time. Compound that feeling over weeks and months, and even though it's .6lbs away from a loss of 30lbs overall, I feel like it's been so painstaking that even that amount seems weeny.

I need to lose another 30lbs before I get to a "healthy" BMI and another 45 before I reach my goal. How can I keep motivated? It is soo easy to gain weight. I could probably gain five pounds this week without any real discomfort, and without having to really work at it. If I had to LOSE 5 pounds though, it would probably kill me (or at least involve a number of eating-disorder techniques).

I wonder sometimes if my goal is possible. Or if, by the time I'm down to a small number of points (18 is as low as WW goes, I'm at 25 now), I'll feel so deprived that I'll break down and get even fatter than before. I had a friend in college who probably lost 70lbs over the course of a year. She's popped back up again. Out of everybody I know, many, many have really gained a significant amount of weight over the past 5 years, while I can think of less than a handful who have significantly lost.

Before I got married, some crazy woman took me aside and told me to throw away all the cookie sheets I received because "you never lose weight after you get married--you just put it on...you'll see!" That felt good. It has now proven inaccurate to some degree--you can lose weight while you're married. The real test is: can you keep it off? From 189lbs to 180lbs, I've lost probably 20lbs, because I have good weeks and bad weeks.

Should I just plan that the 75lbs I want to lose will actually be more like 150 when I get right down to losing it? Do I need to lose every pound twice before it's really gone?

Happy to be Me

just more chin and forehead to love...on the other hand, I think my button nose, or whatever it is, is really funny (in a good way) and I know it's not in vogue, but I love my freckles!

I hate it when celebrities are being interviewed by magazines and are asked, "What part of your body do you HATE?" or some question like that. On the one hand, this question reveals that *gasp* celebrities are human and despite having perfect bodies, they still feel insecure--so the part of your body you're worried about is probably less noticeable than you think it is. On the other hand, it establishes a norm--even if you are super healthy, in really good shape, etc., you should always be ashamed or vexed by some part of your body.

I wonder why we all can't get along with our body parts. Why can't we have a norm of being happy in the body that we're in? Before I lost some weight, I felt like there was no part of my body that I could really be proud of. Having lost some, I think all of it looks better. I want to lose weight so it looks better still--but I'm not losing sleep over some part of my body. My body is a machine, and I'm working to get it into more efficient working order. There is so much more to life than worrying about my butt having cellulite on it or whatever.

But maybe that's because up to now, the biggest imperfection has been evenly spread around--and it's been totally changeable. I can lose weight and be much happier with how I look--it's not something I could never change except through radical, gratuitous, plastic surgery.

Now that I've lost some weight though, especially around my face, I found myself freaking out over my natural face shape--long and narrow. My face looks to me like a super-elongated oval and it's freaking me out. I had hoped that once I lost weight, I would stop cringing at photos of myself, but now I've turned into the very thing I despise!!--someone who freaks out about things they can't change rather than embracing themselves for who they are.

So, this post represents my last freak-out about what I perceive to be my freakishly-shaped face. Looking online for hairdos and stuff to minimize it's long appearance, I was informed that my face shape is pretty versatile, and that a lot of models have this face shape. I was also thinking about an older woman we visited last night. She has had MS since she was 24, and requires a wheelchair to get around. When we visited last night, she slowly lifted herself out of the chair and lowered herself to the couch. I offered to help--but she said, "I've been doing this for 43 years and I can just keep doing it!" We talked for a minute about how your body can adapt. She has the grace to be appreciative of what her body can do, not an obsession over it's imperfections. Her attitude was that you take what life gives you and you just keep going. And she's much the better for it.

So, to all the celebrities out there, and to me too, let this be a reminder that we'd rather have too-skinny legs than no legs, a long round face than no face, and most of all, the opportunity to impact the things that have much more meaning in life than any of our petty external insecurities.

The Best Toy Ever

Editor's note: This toy is a lot more awesome if you realize that it only opens its mouth and makes a noise when you squeeze its belly.

I got this toy because I am sick. It made me very happy. Greta HATES it. She wants to make it die. In the video, you can hear her whining.

So, I ate within my points today, but I didn't eat good food (like a large frosty instead of breakfast, no lunch, and then some noodles and stuff and popcorn). Then I got super sick. Super, super, super sick.

Then we got locked out of our house. I had to break in. With a crowbar in the mail box. I was awesome. It was hard and I got cut. But you should see the other guy.

Then we got new (old) couches. From a family in our ward that's moving. Tomorrow morning. It was awesome--it was raining a bit while we moved them, but it started raining harder after we got them inside. I was glad we dodged that bullet.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a good day. I am super respiratory sick. I thought if you lost weight and exercised more you would never get sick again. THAT IS A MEDICAL MYTH. I'm going to put all that weight back on again, because I am so jaded.

Just kidding. It's time for bed (obviously).

Mrs. Sorensen

My favorite elementary school teacher died on Sunday, but I found out today, so I keep wanting to say she died today. I remember her--she was the best teacher ever. She was also pretty seriously obese. I remember when it was a kid's birthday (we'd always bring in our favorite treat to share with the class for our birthdays) she'd get wild-eyed and excited and hungrily ask, "did you bring a treat?!!"

Despite never drinking, she was eventually diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. She lasted a long time. Like about a decade. I don't know if there was a family history of liver disease, or if her obesity contributed (it can, and she had some other obesity-related problems). But she wasn't old enough to die. 63 years old.

In her life and death I see my past and possible future. At times, as I try to lose weight, I feel like a drug addict who gets just a little bit of heroin a day, and just has to try to keep the cravings under control. Even on the "easy" days it is hard. It's not difficult to recognize when you are losing the day's battle with food, but it is sometimes hard to care. "I'm stressed out--I really need this." "I'm super hungry, I just don't know why" "I'll do better tomorrow and that will make up for it."
It's hard for me to contemplate a death hastened by obesity as a possible future, but the truth of the matter is that in my early 20s, I already weighed over 200lbs. I tired easily and had no self-esteem and my primary source of comfort and happiness was food. I know that, and yet it's still a daily struggle to put down the cheetos, to go for a walk, to choose an apple instead of chocolate. I see how my teacher's life was cut off short, and I think, "of COURSE it is worth the hard work." But it's hard to keep the vision.

I want to say that I will keep going down this hard path in memory of Mrs. Sorensen. But I can't. The lesson I keep learning again and again is that I am the only one who can make myself get healthy. I can't do it for anyone else. I have to do it for me. I have to do it because I want a life where I control my body instead of the other way around. Mrs. Sorensen is much more than a sad sign-post along the way, but if I'm going to keep moving I need to be the wind at my own back.

I love you Mrs. Sorensen. Thanks for the last, most important, lesson.

T-Minus 3.1lbs

we became reality stars last weekend, helping out with the salvation army. my husband and I are the two people closest to the news anchor dude's right shoulder. this

That's right, suckas! I lost 3.1lbs last week!! I am a little nervous that that was too much to lose all in one fell swoop, but I am determined to stick with it.

I did a bad thing today and ate a happy meal. That's 14 points (and I didn't even have a soda). I just got so hungry and depressed. Sometimes the instant gratification wins over the slow and steady mentality. Anyway, let's just keep working and working!!

It's supposed to get windy here tonight and tomorrow. I'm hoping the weather holds for me to head home on Wednesday.

I got called on in class today. For like 20-25 minutes. It was so rough--but I tried to stay focused. It is hard to stay confident for that long. but you just keep going and going like the bunny.

The worst part of the day was, as usual, my legal negotiations class. It is JUST...SO...LONG. Today we talked for 2 hours about how we can demonstrate the irrationality of human behavior by analyzing expected value. This is very well and good, but it is an inapt analogy to describe whether people take or refuse settlements. (because in one analysis, it's a small payout, or the possibility of either a big payout or nothing--in the other analysis, you're guaranteed an amount of money--you can take a moderate amount or risk getting a little bit less or a lot more.)

Anyway, then we had to do a simulation where some of us were "alphas" and others were "betas"--the alphas and betas correspond generally with type A and type B people--only to extremes. The alphas had to get angry, while the betas sort of fooled around doing nothing. It was great.

Then the simulation ended and it was time to go, but our professors just kept talking. The Alpha simulation became real and I was filled with rage!!

Domesticated

apparently for Greta, there's a better place than home...

Greta and I went on a huge walk today. It actually wasn't that big. 2.2 miles. But it was enough to tire her out. And rev me up for working. Except. It. is. so. cold. I am freezing. There's a hoe-down tonight, and I am looking forward to being slightly warmer then. I also decided to cook one (that's right, one) potato in the oven to warm up the place a little bit. (I'm also having the potato for dinner).

Fortunately, I got some bulbs today. And some Halloween candy. (Not for me, but for the children). I got some sweet perennials that I'm going to put in my awesome "living wreath." That's my winter project.
They were originally $4.99 and now they're $1.00 each!! I was so excited!!

So...last night, my husband and I went to Olive Garden (I know, I know). And I went over my daily allotment by 4 points. But I'm recovering today! (I didn't exceed my weekly points, by the way).

Anyway, there is something bad making a really high-pitched noise somewhere in this room. So I have to go.
Stay warm, friends!

Weight Loss: A Story in Trains

please note that I do not own the rights to these videos but am taking advantage of fair use. I obtain no compensation connected with this blog, and rarely even achieve emotional gratification from its perpetuation.

this is usually me by this point in the week

but this week....

things are peachy.

the only speed bump is this: I got sooo freaking sick last night I thought I was going to die. Something I ate? The whole family (including the dog) was out for the count. At least I can be sure that I didn't take in too many calories yesterday...

Also, what the heck??!! Ringo Starr and Thomas the Tank Engine??? yep. That Ringo Starr. And George Carlin, too!! (I bet there's more than 7 things you shouldn't say on a kid's show).

I feel so proud of myself for my consistency. It was one thing when it was 2 days running, but now it's been 3 1/2 !!! Baby steps to the weight loss, baby steps...

A final thought for the day: (go to seconds 23-27 of the clip below)

The Difference a Day Makes!!

"I am Lazarus risen from the grave!
Quite alive you'll find me,
this tomb behind me
is where I faced my closest shave!"
---The Mystery of Edwin Drood

Yes, dear readers, I'm feeling much better now. Since Monday's post, I've been following my plan religiously: 25 points a day, 5 weekly points a day, earn 5 exercise points a day. Obviously, 2 days is not everything, but it's amazing what exercise and especially rest can do for a person.
I also skipped out on school today. With one of three classes cancelled and a looming empty space from 4:00pm Tuesday til 1:30pm Wednesday, I decided to make my escape (after consulting with my very understanding professor.)
I'm a little peeved. I missed my "composite" photo today. (that's not what I'm peeved about, since I'm pretty sure I don't know what that even means--we're taking individual pictures that will become a composite picture? is it going to be a collage? are we going to holographically morph into each others faces depending on the angle you hold the picture? Are they going to put our headshots on generic law-student bodies?) The reason I'm peeved is that the sitting fee for this thing is $15.95. But if you don't do it--it looks like you're not in the class. In high school we did a composite photo, and you could pay some obscene amount to have a copy for yourself--but it didn't cost anything to just be in the photo itself. As long as there's documented proof that I was in the class and had friends in law school, I don't care if I have it in my house--for $15.95 I'd rather not. But in order to do it AT ALL, you have to pay.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that FOR ONLY $3 MORE, you can have 4 passport-sized photos of yourself from that picture.
I've done the math-- 4 passport photos are about the same size as one 4*6, which you can get for $.10 at any walmart in the nation. Plus, you can choose what you look like in your picture, you can set it up the way you want to, and you don't have to wear a stupid suit if you don't want to.
I think I sound a lot angrier than I am but I've only got cold cereal and a can of diet doctor pepp in my system so I get a little edgy. I'm also trying to rev myself up for....cleaning my house--which today resembles a cross between the home of a clinically-diagnosed hoarder and the home of a lady with 100 cats who all feed on each others' festering bodies.

What a day!

Tired...sooo tired...

this is a picture of me--literally in class. I am holding my glasses. I wanted to demonstrate how tired I was by displaying the bags under my eyes.

Weight loss did not go well for me this last week. Today's weigh-in showed a .9lb increase in weight. This is super-frustrating, but not totally unexpected. Last week I was back from my fall break and my roommate had a tragedy in her life, and we had the negotiation competition at school which went from 5pm to 9pm one night, and all of this sent me running to french fries and ice cream for comfort.
I did narrow the point intake down after I got back home to Cleveland, but I guess by that time the damage was done. We also ate some mexican food on Saturday which I think may have made us a little sick.

Today I read a story about a law student who is asking for his money back--he's as far as I am--about 2.45 years in. His wife is pregnant, he has no job prospects, and his mounting debts are hemming him in. I know just how he feels--well, as a friend pointed out, I guess my husband is not pregnant (neither am I) but other than that. It feels pointless to go to classes that don't really deal with how to actually do anything that lawyers do. Ah, but that's where the internships come in, you say? Well, government work is all work-study, and primarily clerical even if you get that job. Many jobs specifically list that "those without work-study need not apply." If you are one of the few that gets selected to have an internship at a firm, you're not even almost home free. Many internships are cancelled, postponed, shortened, during the summer, and despite the long tradition of offering jobs to legal interns unless they totally screw up, FIRMS AREN'T DOING IT ANYMORE. Your best chances are to "stay in touch."

Top schools have amazing employment rates--this factors into the school's ranking by US News. What those numbers don't say is that that includes people who have short-term, part-time, on-campus work, or work that isn't within the realm of the law at all!

Talking to a law-school friend yesterday, and commiserating over the fact that we both dread tomorrow every day, we came to the mutual conclusion that whenever we talk to someone who says, "I'm thinking of going to law school," our first impulse is to hit them in the face with all the force we possess and say "think again, moron!"

If I knew then, what I know now. I don't think I would have gone to law school. Business school, maybe. But after the miles on the road, the thankless extra-curricular tasks, the grueling reading, strict attendance requirements, I'll have nothing to show but a $50,000 piece of paper.

Best way to release pent up aggression...

is changing the screens for panes in the windows all over your house. There's a lot of slamming involved.
It's less effective if you only develop more aggression after you're finished because your sometimes adorable dog has this time stolen the rest of your awesome brownie---that was filled with peanut-butter and caramel and was cut into bite-sized pieces that you got to have one of every day to spread out the caloric impact and deliciousness--and scarfed it. Somehow putting her in time-out doesn't seem to cut it.

The problem is, I don't want to take responsibility for her doing that--even though it was my fault, cause I didn't push my chair in all the way after I left the table, even though I know she has a tendency to get up there and scarf things. Honestly I just left for a minute and then got distracted--that's why I was gone so long. But it sort of doesn't matter because the damage is done.
Once again, I've learned to always, ALWAYS push in my chair.
Weight loss can inspire in me the same unwillingness to take responsibility for my actions as Greta eating my beautiful baby brownie. When I don't lose, it's probably hormones or a thyroid thing, or the wii fit is just off kilter today. It's never that I ate a lot more than I should have and didn't exercise at all.

So here's to a better run. Keeping my dog off the sweet stuff, keeping myself in check and sneaking exercise as I winterize my house!

ps. Lost .3lbs this week--not great, but better than a gain!!

down down down

Today I went down to Columbus again. But first I went down in the basement, where my weight had gone down on the scale. I was really excited because with this newest loss, I had lost 7lbs in 3 weeks!! And then I did my math again and realized that I actually hadn't. Still, I've lost 4.6lbs in 3 weeks and that ain't shabby!

It's that time of the month again, and I am constantly hungry. I can eat a meal just to ask, "when do we get to eat again?"

my solution to this has been eating lots of snacks throughout the day, rather than particular meals. when I get hungry. I eat something. It seems to be working pretty well. By the end of the day, I had stayed within my points budget and I didn't feel ravenous. I'm pretty sure that even if I had gone over, it would be okay, because this cold snap, along with the monthlies, is a big energy drain.

Dang it. I'm hungry again....

great, but not good

if a stick-figure could be pregnant, this is what it would look like. but in this particular case, it is not pregnant with a baby--it is packed with carrots and diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper--a remarkably bad breakfast combination.

my tummy hurts today. I keep feeding it so that it will finally release all the pressure building up inside of it, but this doesn't seem to help anymore than not feeding it does.
I missed some classes today. Not a huge deal in year 3. I have a friend contemplating missing a full week of classes later in the semester. Honestly, I think at this point that that's probably okay too.

My tummy and jaw are conspiring to make me feel really frustrated right now, but this morning, I found out I had dropped 1.6lbs in the past week. This was super good news--if I felt like I cared right now.

come on, tummy!! regain your equilibrium. I gave you a lot of vegetables today!!
(my kind roommate just gave me some Gas-X, so hopefully this is the beginning of the end)

Cranky Whiner-pants

Today we went to our friends' house. They have the cutest toddler in the world. We gave her a sour gummy pumpkin candy. She liked it. She wanted another. Her parents said no. She dissolved into tears and had to go to bed. I know exactly how she feels.

I just want sugar sugar sugar sugar, with a little bit of lard on top. My sweet tooth is going crazy because I just feel super stressed out. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH WHAT I EAT!! I DON'T WANT TO DO BIGGEST LOSER ANYMORE!! I'M TIRED OF COMPETING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE LOSING 4-9LBS A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY JAW HURTS ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!

Now that the tirade is over, I'm going to have some fresh baby carrots and go to bed.

Ow!! Ow!! OWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWWOWOW!!!

my husband felt like I needed to clarify that the affected finger is not my middle finger, so I am not, in fact, flipping off the camera. I feel that it's important to clarify that my finger looks a lot more swollen than was caused by this injury because I have an enormous writing bump on my finger's left side just a little ways under the nail--so though it looks like my bone may have shifted sideways there--it didn't. The injury was funny in that it hurt so bad, but the worst-looking damage came from what was basically an exfoliating treatment on my finger-skin. It peeled off the top layer of skin and piled it up near my nail bed. That's also where the big impact was, so I'm a little afraid to remove the skin.

I needed a reminder why morning proactivity is bad. So I bounded up the stairs, checked up on Jimmy, the Monk Parrot who moved back into our house because it was cold outside, and promptly shut my *(&@#$%*@(#* finger in the #*@&#*%^@* window cause I was trying to open it to give a real nature experience to my #*@#*%(@*#%#^@*#^%(@*#*%^@ bird. And now I need chocolate. Yay.

Actually though, this morning I noted a definite smaller-ness in my abdomen (which is always the last to show any effect whatsoever.) I felt really, really pleased. Until said ouchie happened....

It feels like my nail bed is having contractions. Well, okay, technically I don't know what real contractions feel like, but every couple of minutes I get a sharp pain in my nail bed that feels like it is constraining and then eventually releasing. And I think that's close enough to count. I'm wondering if my nail will fall off. That would be a bummer. albeit kind of an awesome bummer. I did get a gift certificate in the mail yesterday for a complimentary manicure and pedicure for new clients at this one salon. I wonder if they would be willing to just paint my nail bed if the worst should happen?

Does my Jaw Make Me Look Fat?

the dentist reports that the crack between my front teeth and the crack between my bottom teeth is off by 3mm. apparently that is not a good thing.

For the past year, I've been experiencing intense, chronic ear pain. I went to the ear doc a couple weeks ago, only to learn that things are peachy as far as they are concerned. They recommended visiting a dentist to ascertain whether I was suffering from the dreaded TMJ!!!!! (a side note: TMJ is just short for the temporomandibular joints, which everybody has--the actual disorder is commonly known as TMD or TMJD--my doc said that what I'm suffering from is basically jaw arthritis) So I went to the dentist yesterday, and all is not as it should be in my mouth. On the one hand, I'm happy to have a diagnosis. On the other hand, TMJ bodes for a costly and unpleasant treatment that could include mouth guards, and from the research (and talking to dental wives), maybe even surgery. Having seen my own jaw deterioration--as well as my cross-bite (on one side I have the natural over-bite--my top teeth hang over my bottom teeth--on the other side I have an underbite--this means that I can't put all my back teeth together at once. They just don't fit!) and learning that I have gum recession due to my bad bite alignment--I find myself unable to stop thinking about the problem. Because I'm thinking about it, the pain seems to be more acute--I'm not distracted the way I usually am.

I'm also thinking about the other things associated with TMJ. Headaches, shoulder and back tension, chronic pain leading to heightened anxiety and depression, my need for naps all the time, even my stress eating. Over the past year, my body has been chronically stressed out over this--you use your jaw for everything, from breathing (yes, I'm a mouth breather), to talking, to eating. I've noticed my interactions have, due to a combination of pain and the anxiety I feel when I'm in pain, become increasingly difficult. The truth is, I'm a cranky, impatient lady a lot. I know it bugs my husband, and I can sense that I'm being unreasonable--but sometimes, when I give vent to the distress that I feel inside, I actually feel a little better--until I feel worse for taking it out on my husband.

A jaw disorder can make eating more painful--thus a lot of chewy things are kind of out of the diet right now--but it also makes me long for comfort foods that can take my mind off of the pain. Because the way I feel almost constantly is that my right eustacian tube is being pinched up near my ear-hole. I pop my ear like a million times a day with no real comfort derived from it. My jaw is super-tense and it feels like my eardrum wants to explode but never quite gets there. I have headaches basically every day, and feel very, very fatigued, especially when I need to concentrate on school work, etc.

Even as I gripe about this (and pray fervently that I'll find relief), I think about all the other people out there with way more serious health issues than mine. I know a girl who has bad, bad arthritis--and always has. I can't imagine living in that kind of chronic systemic pain forever. Or my aunt, who suffered a terrible form of intestinal cancer for about a decade before she eventually died. I'm counting my blessings even as I live in constant reminder that one out of whack system in your bod can throw off your whole lifestyle.

Hopefully, as I continue to get treatment (in 2 weeks I find out what the damage is going to be), I can start to regain the person that I want to be, and feel less like I'm just going through the motions of healthy living.

50th Post!!

Today, I felt really wiped out by the time I got home. I went to the gym after school and rode the exercise bike. I went for moderate speed at high intensity so it felt pretty good--though hard.

I felt a little low blood pressurey after the workout, but then I ate a delicious whole fruit lime popsicle and I felt a lot better. Sushi for dinner followed by a little tres leches cake courtesy of my fantastic roommate was great. I'm trying to hold out for a more reasonable bedtime, but I might crash at any moment!! I think the cat allergies are getting to me a bit, too.

I could tell I was tired because I put my hand behind my head to relax, lost my wedding ring in my hair, and it took 10 minutes to dig it out of my pony tail.

After the hard part's over

Life seems a little better. I learned tonight that even the most awful things come to an end--specifically my interminable legal negotiation class that meets on mondays from 4:20pm to 7:00pm and today included such highlights as a 2 hours discussion of "Getting to Yes"--a book that doesn't take two hours to read in the first place, and breaking into groups to "brainstorm" what we could do with a stop sign. I was going to raise my hand and suggest a place for him to put a stop sign, but fortunately forbore.

The best part is dinner: It is a Kashi frozen meal, and it is the best looking frozen meal I've ever seen.

Enjoy:
are those vegetables I see? yes, yes they are.

Unhappily Back at School

Mondays are the worst
especially after a 2.5 hour drive
especially worrying about the fact that the back bumper of the car has popped out from its bolt on one side and knowing how to fix it but not having the welding torch it would entail
especially when you have the heaviest backpack ever
especially when said backpack breaks and gapes open as you walk across the busy street without a walk signal.
especially when you barely make it to the sidewalk before every single thing falls out onto the floor.
especially when you don't really have a back up plan for your book transport
especially when your books collectively weigh about 40lbs
especially when you have class til 7pm tonight
especially when you have a paper due in that class
especially when you can't finish the paper because you can't find the book it's based on
especially when your one point of high self esteem--a 1.5lb weight loss this week, is totally overshadowed by another Biggest Loser competitor's tremendous loss of 4lbs--
especially when their starting weight was 146lbs
especially when you're worried about being eliminated
especially since a cash prize is on the line
especially since you ate 3 cookies this morning just to stay awake in the car ride down
and overall, especially since you're tired, you miss your husband and puppy, you feel very discouraged in class and you can't imagine a world where you would care enough about the topics being discussed to be able to follow the discussion, let alone meaningfully contribute.

Does Blood Loss Count as Weight Loss?

So I had an awesome picture of when I donated blood and all the iodine on my arm turned green for some as-yet inexplicable reason. But somehow in the process of saving it, it turned into a text file. That cannot be opened. Neato.

Anyway, a recap:

1. Last weekend was the Indian Wedding!! (When I find that dumb thing that I've been promising to find for days and days, I will use it to upload pictures from my camera to the computer. Here's some highlights:
a. Sangeet: traditionally a party where women celebrate with the bride, men have been coming to the Sangeet since about the 1950s. Most of the activities are still geared toward women, however. Because I was one of the tallest (best moment ever) women there, I helped bring Marinda (the bride) in under a canopy. I am not a huge fan of the way my bod looks in this picture, but that's okay, because:

b. Escorting the groom to the bride's "house"--traditionally marriages in India took place at the Bride's home--the family and friends of the groom would escort him there on a white horse or elephant, etc. Because there were a jillion guests and the bride lived in California, the wedding instead took place at a banquet center on a golf course--but the wedding party still went through the tradition of delivering the groom. It took a really long time for us to get from the parking lot to the banquet center--not because of distance, but just because we were all sort of unclear on what was happening, what our route was, etc. Finally the carriage just started plowing through the crowd and that got us moving--having horse drool on your saree is just not....neat.

all of us danced to celebrate. and danced. and danced. and danced. and got no closer to the banquet hall.

...so the horse had to come straighten us out--notice how ruthless the driver looks. If you look closely, you'll see that Amit (the groom) is holding a little baby. The baby's daddy is standing protectively to the right of the carriage. In Indian weddings, typically the youngest male member of the groom's family trides with the groom. Since, in this case, that would be weird, since the youngest male member of the groom's family other than the groom is the groom's older brother, they fudged and used Marinda's 3 month old nephew instead. Much cuter.

c. The wedding itself: was amazing. It lasted about a hour, and we loaded up on snacks and drinks beforehand. It was very ornate and deserves a blog post all to itself, but at least here's a picture of the most amazing part--the altar.

the wedding ceremony takes place in sanskrit. The dark-haired man to the far left who is just barely in the picture, translated for us. Marinda is on the altar at this point. You can't really see it, but she has a thick nose-ring connected to her veil. Amit is standing next to Marinda (though he's hidden by a pillar) and on either side of the happy couple are their respective parents. At this point, Marinda and Amit were both wearing cream-colored scarves that were bound together to represent their union. At this point, there was a fire lit on the altar, and the bride and groom circled around it four times, stopping before each time around to throw some puffed rice into the fire. Given the size of the altar, the heavy and abundant clothing the bride and groom were wearing, and the need to keep leaning over the fire to throw things in, I was constantly on the edge of my seat in the fear that one or the other of them was going to catch on fire. But they didn't, and at the end they exchanged heavy flower leis as a symbol of their married status.

2. Biggest Loser (neighborhood version) has started!! I'm super nervous about the first weigh-in, but I've been trying to exercise and eat right. I bulked up a bit for this--okay, I gained one pound--because I didn't want to lose when there wasn't anything on the line. The winner gets a cash prize contributed by each competitor as a fee for joining. I was stressed out, because I wondered if my "easy-does-it" slow weight loss would be okay, but having seen the results from last "cycle" it looks like the slow and steady people are the ones who win in the end. So I've recommitted to losing weight (but, oh! is it hard as school is starting, the days are getting shorter, etc. !!)

3. I owe the entire planet an apology because I drove so much this week. I drove down to school on Tuesday (2.5 hours), back home Tuesday evening because I forgot something that I needed for my friend to go to the football game this week (2.5 hours), back to school Wednesday morning (2.5 hours) and back home Wednesday night (2.5 hours). For members of our home audience who are keeping score, that's 10 hours in 2 days!! This almost goes without saying, but I slept a LOT yesterday.

4. Ooh!! and we got a new couch!! It is awesome!! Well, right now it's actually blocking our front door--which is not quite as awesome, but soon it will be set up and then it will be totally awesome. But we still have a couch problem, which is that Greta keeps crawling under our old couch, getting stuck because she's twice as tall as she was when she was a baby and could just run under there, and crying until she gets help. SHE NEVER LEARNS HER LESSON FROM THIS, and literally goes under the couch four or five times a day. We've stopped rescuing her, and now she is able to barely squeeze out on her own--it kind of reminds me of when I try to squeeze into my skinny clothes. This must be what it's like to have a kid who cuts himself.

sick-ercising

so sick today. I feel like my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and brain are encased in a goldfish bowl which is encased in my skull.
I skipped first period (11:10am class) but got to school in time for my 2nd class. Because I was AWESOME I stayed until the end of my 7:00pm class. After which I went to the gym. Going to the gym is great, even when you're sick, because at the end of the workout, you always feel better. I wasn't really dreading working out, though I still felt real crappy, but about five minutes on the glider machine and I was ready to QUIT-ola! 35 minutes later I was super ready to quit. I still feel doughy today. I know that even skinny people claim to have days where they feel "fat." I wonder if that's really true. Maybe someday I will find out for myself...

The Terrible, Rotten, No Good, Very Bad Day

So it wasn't really a bad day, objectively, but I had some hormonal issues that made it TERRIBLE even though good things were happening. I was soo angry. Unjustifiably filled with rage. Typically turned against my husband. For no good reason.

By the end of the day I was having tummy troubles (I think courtesy of the hormones) and so despite having consumed 29.5 points, ate roughly an 8 point snack--but I lost a lot of the snack in the bathroom later (not by choice).

Anyway, I weighed in for the first time in a while today. I was super nervous becuase I was afraid that 4 weeks of living large (literally) would have undone all my work. To my relief, I had put on .2lbs. I'm at....drumroll please....187.4lbs. That's the lowest weight I've maintained since I started college!!

I feel like I'm back on track now. I'm feeling good (except physically). I caught up on the extra-curricular stuff --and am pretty well caught up on my school stuff.

I feel like some elf has stuck it's dirty green finger up my nose. It feels like there's a long, sharp fingernail poking into my brain. Allergies. But now at least I'm not enraged anymore. :)

A new beginning!!

Goal: 30 points
Actual: 30 points!!

Note to self: don't try to make up all of the remaining points at the end of the day by binging at the end. It makes your tummy sad. a lot.

Tomorrow I get my elliptical machine!!

I've also entered into a "Biggest Loser" Competish. Though I'm not super-comfortable with the premise of biggest loser, which is to lose an unhealthy amount of weight at a time through shame and overstrenuous exercise. Real weight loss is slow. It's still painful, but mainly for the impatient. You win when you lose the bigest proportion of weight. Which means that if a hundred pound person lost 10lbs (it's late and I can't think of a more plausible and healthy scenario) they would lose 10%, but for a person that weighs 200lbs, the same loss is just 5%--but it's a much bigger deal for the heavier person because they have to overcome bad habits like stress eating, in order to do it. Having made it this far, I can honestly say it's a miracle that anyone can lose weight. It's hard. It's frustrating. The worst part for me is that no one ever says anything, like "ooh! you've lost weight!" or anything like that. I wonder if it made a difference at all.

Anyway, my point is that slow and steady weight loss is better than a cycle of binges and purges, which is what you get when you try to lose weight too quickly. Do I want to set myself up for that? I don't want to lose the "biggest loser" competition because I lose weight too slowly and must obviously be lazy or stupid or something--simply because I'm trying to take the more lasting route.

Frownie Face

In this picture, I tried to look like a basic cartoon frownie face. It's a lot harder than it seems like it should be.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

If my life right now were an elementary school term paper, I just feel like it would have lots and lots of frownie faces.
My house is a mess. People keep coming over and I'm like "We're just unpacking still" but what I'm really thinking is, "this house looks like one of those houses they bust into when they find abused children and animals that are all covered in crap and are unfit for human habitation."

And to feel better about my house, I just keep eating. I feel like I can't stop. I haven't been recording my WW points for about 2 weeks, and I don't know how to pull myself back onto the wagon.

At school, I keep totally forgetting things: I'll read only half of the assigned reading, I'll forget to do my duties with my student groups. I'll remember later when people start feeling bad cause I forgot to give them attention--but until then, it's gone forever.

I know these things have easy fixes, but I'm tired a lot, they seem overwhelming, and at the end of the day, I feel like I'll never be able to get back on top of it. I feel like I'm in a big ball of shortening, and though I know that all I need to do is trim the fat, I'm already totally immobilized by it.

The one step I will take, though, is to start posting my points for the day in my blog posts, so that I have some sense of accountability. I don't know it for today (though technically it's tomorrow and my points count is 0.)

I don't want to get to the end of the rope just to hang on at the bottom. I want to swing to a better, longer rope--better yet, a ladder, and start getting out of this funk.

Stained Bed, Strained Back, and Beyond!!

This is my dog:

This is what she doesn't know how to do.
And this is why we have a water-proof mattress cover.

My back is also quite sore. My books weigh more than the 23.5lbs I've lost so far and carrying them around in my backpack is like being pregnant backwards.

I came home from Columbus today. I had to drop a class to make it home early, and quite frankly, that was fine with me.
I didn't exercise today, though I got workouts in on Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow I get my very own elliptical machine!! (second-hand from a friend). I'm also hoping to get lots of exercise the rest of this week by working on getting my house in order (which seems to have become a life's pursuit--and also seems more and more likely to be thwarted every passing day).

The best part about being home (aside from Greta's orgy of urine spraying all over the bed) is that right now, my sweet husband is trying to work the knots out of my back. Good luck.

Dr. Laura, heal thyself

So I heard Dr. Laura talking about how she is going to quit having a show so she can say whatever she wants. Maybe she should quit her show and go to a basic civics class. I don't have a tv show--I barely have a blog. But I still can't say ANYTHING I want. When I'm living my normal, unfamous, life and I go to the movies, I can't yell "FIRE!!" (unless there really is one). I can't post a list on facebook of the people I'd like to kill (though just to reassure folks, there's no one I have in mind for such a thing, either). I can't scream at my kids (if I had kids) that I'm going to kill them. These things represent the kind of menacing threats that the law punishes criminally. I can't say that my neighbor, x, is a corrupt, fire-starting liar (unless it's true), or make false claims about the effectiveness of my patented dehumidifier if it is really just a humming, plastic box. These represent statements that the law punishes civilly. Finally, there's Dr. Laura's new buzz-word. The N word. If I said that word in public, I probably wouldn't render myself legally liable, but I would find myself liable to be beat up--and I would deserve it. These are social rules, and even if you can't be assessed damages for your violation of them, a decent, well-ordered society relies on them to function.
Some folks that argue that some black people, including some high profile rappers and musicians, use the N-word, so it's okay for anyone to use it. Their logic is apparently that if some people have personally "rehabilitated" a word that formerly represented the denigration of their race, then the whole community must be okay with it. They state as evidence a few catchy rap songs. People need to stop being so sensitive, they assert. I wonder if to them that means forgetting an oppressed past, forgetting how easily a technology-blessed majority can crush the dignity out of a minority they believe to be inferior.
I had a friend who was born in the USA, but her parents were from India. At my high school, several of the other people of Indian descent would joke about being "brown," and these jokes were soon adopted by white students who would (apparently without malice) start repeating them. Though my friend shared the same race with those who appreciated the jokes, she was deeply offended by them. In a predominately white high school, she found herself being singled out by her race by people who didn't consider her aversion to being referred to in this way.
It is not for us to stereotype any group to the extent that we believe a term that "used to be" offensive, or that singles them out by race is okay to use, just because we've seen some members of that race refer to themselves that way. I may joke myself about being incredibly pale-skinned, but if someone called me a "cracker" I'd be pretty offended, because of all that word stands for and has stood for in the past.
Supersensitivity does not breed a healthy society, but neither does a blanket assumption that the past doesn't still hurt in the present. We have enough racism in this society without someone like Dr. Laura hauling out the same, lame excuses racists have used for decades. If the benefit is being able to function in society, have friends of many different backgrounds, and be known as a person who shows respect for others, the cost of eliminating hate words (even so-called "rehabilitated" ones) from your vocabulary is a small price to pay.

Take your *@#$& shoes back!!

today I learned what it was like to be my husband for 2 years. those are actually my shoes in the picture. it looks like there's something VERY wrong with my feet, but maybe you should try taking a picture of your own feet by holding your big laptop like a camera whose lens you can't see through and your feet will look weird too!!

I walked a mile in my husband's shoes today. For the past two years, he's been living at the home of friends from church while I've been in Columbus in our "family home" studying law. Now he's in our family home--a real, beautiful, happy, place, in Cleveland and I am living with the friends. (not the same friends--but wouldn't that be weird? we'd be like their kids!)

Frankly, today was exhausting. I feel like I've been beaten.

I woke up at 6:50am while my husband slept in (another role reversal!) and got dressed, took the dog out, ate breakfast alone. Said goodbye to my husband--he huddled inside the house in his underwear so the neighbors couldn't see him. He clutched Greta to his chest to keep her from escaping. In the bluish light of early morning, he looked like a super politically incorrect parody of a refugee protectively snuggling a child to their bosom. Then I was off. I was so sad, lonely and apprehensive--worried about the tasks that lay ahead. The drive seemed to take hours. And it did. But it seemed to take several hours more than the 2 and a half that elapsed on my watch. For all I know I'm still on the road, having fallen asleep, crashed and fallen into unconsciousness and all this is a dream....

When I arrived at school (or at least I think I did) I was struck again by a feeling of loneliness. I happened to walk in just as a million 1Ls were wandering around, and I didn't know anybody. This was not the triumphant on-top-of-the-world high school senior experience I was hoping for. Class. blah. I did the wrong reading for one class, and the rest of the classes we didn't get to the reading at all. In the mean time I had to post up a list of the new members of my law journal. The new members already knew they were new (hehe) but they wanted everyone else to know it--it didn't help that all four other journals already posted their membership lists last Thursday. So I kept getting in trouble for my laziness. (I actually just forgot). I tried to repent and post a list but the printer got all fouled up so it took my whole day to finally post the suckers. They look great though.

Weight loss wise, I kept track of my intake better than I have been and also took time to go to the gym near school. It felt really good. I brought clothes to change into to exercise and then change back and go back to class--and that included underwear. The net result was that I was wearing far fewer layers of clothes in public than I had since I got married. The net result of that was me feeling quite uncomfortable about showing so much skin, while simultaneously feeling so free when the breeze would touch that same exposed skin. I feel like I should clarify that I was wearing gym shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt--I didn't look skanky, but it was different to just have the old sports bra on underneath.

Anyway. The workout was good. I plan to do it again someday. Hopefully that day will be tomorrow, but unfortunately, I have to exercise at a different time every day due to my class and extra-curricular schedules. :(

All day I was thinking about my husband. Not just because I missed him, but for the first time I was truly appreciating the sacrifice he had made for me. You have to leave your house and the person and dog that you love (and the parrot that you pretty much hate--that's less hard) and drive forever and ever just to START a day of hard work that leaves you feeling totally exhausted. Then you go home to the house that isn't yours and watch with dismay as two black cats swirl around your feet--two black cats that you're allergic too and whose mere presence causes your bronchi to puff up angrily. (It is super weird that we both live(d) in houses with black cats--I didn't know until today that there were cats in this place. I'm trying to think well-ventilated thoughts.)

So I am homesick for the man who went through all this just to hear me complain about law school all the time. I'm homesick for the little brown dog that used to be my "weekday husband." I'm actually pretty pleased to be rid of the evil, biting parrot for a couple of days.

Having walked a mile in my husband's shoes, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to return them. But I'll be home soon, and after all, I have miles to go before I sleep...

Weight Loss from the Perspective of the Eaten

I was literally bitten by an ostrich at the fair. I tried to give it a carrot chip and it almost took my whole hand off. without drawing blood or leaving any lasting damage. it was super scary though. admittedly, the carrot got the brunt. and now i have a paralyzing ostrich phobia. which i will call struthiophobia (struthio is greek for ostrich).

This is your brain on gardening

this is me. it is 12:00pm and i have been gardening for about an hour and a half. and by gardening, I mean trying to fix the rear path outside our back door which took out a two year old last night. (and by took out, I mean she fell down and her hand hurt a little bit after).

There were a lot of bugs. It turns out that our step out of the sunroom is wobbly because it was built on top of a weird frame of bricks and was mortared on, but all the mortar dried up and isn't holding it together anymore. I saw a spider carrying an egg sac and a spider with a really bunchy looking belly. For some reason when I have gloves on, I'm not really bothered by bugs at all. I still don't want to touch them, but I don't feel terrified. Anyway, I picked up big blocks and put them down and dug holes for new blocks and buried them in. There is still a ways to go before the back walk is how I want it to be--ideally, we would pave it with red bricks placed closely together like the roads in little italy.
It's wicked good exercise, but I was sweating like a piggy pig. As I dug, the shovel would get covered in big sweat rain-drops from my forehead. Now I'm back inside recovering and wallowing happily in my air conditioning.
Anyway, I planted a lavender plant and a foxglove, the former in the back and the latter in the front. I'm hoping the horrid ground squirrels that delight in digging up my lovingly cared-for herbs and not eating them, but just leaving them there to die will be quick to partake of my foxglove and earn their eternal reward.

Babies

This new ward is babies, babies babies! I went to a new member RS meeting tonight and I was the only person there who hadn't had a baby. It seems like all the time I'm in conversations where we say how peer pressure isn't really an issue anymore, but if anything, it seems much stronger.
I'm in a ward with tiny skinny women who have babies and bounce back into their skinny mini shapes instantly and who eat whatever they want and seem to do just fine. Over and over we hear that this is the most noble of lifestyles. We talked in church today about how everywhere motherhood is being attacked, devalued, debased, but it goes the other way, too. As a woman in the church pursuing higher education, there are many times where I feel like what I'm doing is wrong--or is at least perceived as wrong. I am selfishly putting off having children, my duty, in order to pursue a lucrative career for my own fulfillment. All the male lds married students in law school have kids already or on the way. The women lds law students are mostly unmarried. I feel like I don't fit and it goes in with my being overweight. I weigh more than most of the pregnant ladies in our ward, for crying out loud!

I like to hang out with the ladies, but after a night like this, where everybody's talking about kids and pregnancy and babies, I come home filled with self-doubt and questions. Where does a career fit into motherhood? Is it selfish to want both? If I have a child now, would it just be to fit in or because I'm truly ready? Is there even such a thing as truly ready? Should I lose all the weight I want to lose before getting pregnant? Won't that just put me on the fat-track again? I feel like I'm being forced to choose between two parts of me that both need to be fulfilled: my desire to be nurturing and to have children of my own is compromised by law school, but my desire to have feel fulfillment through a successful career seems as though it could be derailed by having kids.

In my mind I feel it's possible to have both--I probably wouldn't work full-time, but I would be working and I could also be there for my children. But sometimes I feel like motherhood is an all-or-nothing commitment. If you are going to be a mother you MUST be home at all times. I feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting both. I feel like there's something wrong with me for being concerned about maintaining my weight loss and having kids. Despite a decrease in weight this week, I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin this week. I'll try to get over it...

First Public Solo Physical Demonstration

I am super proud of myself. Today was the Nintendo Wii Summer Games at the mall. My husband and I, team Greta Force (after our dog), took third place out of all the adults today. If by some miracle that stays the same through tomorrow and Sunday, we'll be headed to compete in California.
Anyway, part of the competition was Wii Fit Hula Hoop, at which I'm something of a savant. I was really nervous all day because I had to basically demonstrate physical prowess in front of a bunch of strangers. I didn't want to choke. I didn't want people to think I was ridiculous for being overweight and trying to compete at a physical task.

Anyway, things were awesome. People were watching me--I swear I saw someone take a picture--but it didn't matter because I knew I could do it and so I did! In fact, I got the high score on the machine for the day.
It's little victories like this that keep me going. And I hope I'm going well. I have exercised a lot (some of it official, a lot of it just lots and lots of housework) but it's made me hungry and so though I've exercised more than I've eaten, I still feel a little bit nervous about what the weigh in is going to bring. I am always afraid that I'm lying to myself, too--like underestimating how much I really ate. I try not to--but there have been times where I've forgotten a snack I had here, or a goodie there. I guess I can only try my best and keep going and going and going.

Bad Pie and Dirty Fun

Part of losing weight is learning to plan ahead for meals. Frankly, it's a must-have tool for anybody who doesn't like to spend 40 hours a week at the store or eat out every night. It's something that I am not very good at. So I'm starting small. I want to prepare to have fresh fruits and vegetables to eat whenever I am hungry. So, at the store, I buy a bunch of peaches, bananas, grapes, carrots, tomatoes, etc. The other trick is to actually eat the things you buy. We had to go on a break from bananas because they go bad so quickly here--but we're back on and on our third batch of eating them while they're still fresh. For the first time last week, we ate a bunch of grapes before they went bad--and a whole tomato. Apples and peaches are tough--not when they're good, but when they're icky, it taints the experience for a while, and the rest start to get icky while you're trying to get over your first bad experience.
Anyway, yesterday was the day we restocked on our plant matter. We were also invited to dinner the next day and had volunteered to take dessert. I have rediscovered a love for Marie Calendar's razzleberry pies---we could never take on a whole pie by ourselves (frankly, I think I could, but the lower-calorie lifestyle won't support it)--and so this way we can foist most of it on other people and still get our jollies without busting our bellies. We got the pie and drove home. It's in the frozen section and has to be frozen basically right up until you cook it. But apparently, at our grocery store, just because a pie is in the frozen section does not mean that it is frozen. When I took the pie out of the bag, all of the juice (the pie weighs 2lbs 8oz and I think the juice comprises about 2lbs of that) gushed out all over the fridge, the floor, and the dog. The dog didn't mind--she even helped us clean it up off the floor (we used napkins--she used her tongue). We took the pie back to the store and demanded a refund. They refused, and so we left, but not before smearing the big glass automatic front doors with what was left of the pie. It looked like someone had been squashed when the doors closed on them. To add to the effect, I used my finger to scrawl in the mess, "[store name] kills!!" Then we ran away.

That last part *might* be a fib. We actually got a refund without any trouble and they ran back to see if the rest of their frozen goods were kaput.

So I was feeling bummed about pie. Until 10:00pm when it was time for the "World's Largest Local Pie Fight" in Coventry, a small sort of commercially-bohemian neighborhood about 5 miles from our house. Every Thursday night they have themed music and a movie--except for yesterday, when they had cartoons and a pie fight. They provided the pie crusts, and we provided the whipped cream (for future reference, if you're making pies JUST out of whipped cream, 1 can of the stuff is only good for about 1 and 1/3 pies. If you skimp you can make two "okay" pies--but that will totally exhaust your supply. Next time we will bring more than 2 cans. Anyway, there were all sorts of people there--a lot of tweens and teenagers in big groups, but also some kids our age, and even middle-aged people with their kids. When they started the fight, my husband and I immediately turned on each other. [as a sidebar, I think that we have a great marriage--but it still felt so good to throw a pie in his face--it was really primal therapy for the frustrations that can arise when you live together full-time] Most of the groups did the same--but as soon as everybody in your group had some pie on them, you just went for broke, hurling pies and cream and crust at anybody in your sight line. There was lots of whipped cream on the ground from the initial onslaught, and it was easy to just scoop some up and toss it (though I did hear a guy say to his girlfriend, "I thought this was whipped cream, but I think it's just dog poop!" before he smeared what he was holding onto her shirt. [he was kidding--i hope and pray]. It was so much fun, but as quickly as it started, it began to slow down. Everybody was coated. I had gotten off fairly easily, or so I thought, as I went to search for my husband. Then someone I passed on my quest randomly shoved a pie right in my face. It covered my eye (I had on glasses) and went in my ear. I was laughing so hard. I finally spotted my husband, but on the way I picked up a pristine pie crust. When he laughed at my misfortune, I smashed the pie crust into his hair (that sounds like it would hurt his head but his hair is pretty long and really thick so it just got inundated with crumbs rather his skull getting bruised and broken.) My husband doesn't like messes, or to be sticky, or to have crumbs on him, and so I felt like this pie fight was an amazing step for him. It was the first time he's purposely chosen to get all gross, and I wanted to make the most of it.
When it was all over, we limped up the hill, with a haze of whipped cream blurring our vision and gobs of pie crust stuck in our ears. My husband looked like he had a gross skin growth on his neck from all the pie crust. We came home and showered intensively. It turns out that cream makes your skin and hair really soft and smooth (and graham cracker crust exfoliates!!) I will definitely be going back again next year. The best part is that it was a physically active way to be involved with food, and it was so exciting that I didn't even want dessert when we got home!

Pictureless

Still working on my technical difficulties and so once again, I am without pictures.
I will, however, provide links today.

I was thinking about the things we do to our bodies for fashion. In fact, one of my prizes is getting Crest Whitestrips or something like that to whiten my teeth. My teeth are not green, or yellow or brown--they are basically white already. But I feel like I want more. In fact, I have little calcifications on the surface of my teeth that make them look a little like the albino version of camoflaged, and a while back I talked to my dentist about having those scrapped off and then filled in with regular-colored tooth compound that will respond to whitening the same way the rest of my teeth will. Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was thinking about my plans for whitening my teeth and this image popped into my mind.

Sure, it looks kind of cool, if you can stomach the risks and have faith that people will be able to ever look you in the face without cringing. I don't mind the sight of blood but the thought of implanting something in my eye definitely makes me queasy.

The point is, that whitening my teeth can be seen as essentially the same thing. Improving on nature, not for health reasons, but merely for my own vanity. And once you're willing to do something so drastic as invade your own eye with a foreign object for "glamour" or grind down your real, perfectly functional teeth to have some fake shelack pumped in there--and who knows if it won't look just as fake--where do you draw the line?

Teeth whitening hurts. A lot. My teeth get super-sensitive, and I've never been able to stick with it to really see any difference. I'm all for better living through chemistry, but does one "improvement" simply lead to others? If my goal is to be happy the way I am, am I undermining that happiness by opening this door?

Anyway, there's still a long way to go before I reach that bridge. I should focus on the changes I need to make now, naturally, for the purpose of becoming healthier and happier.

The 3.9lb Elephant in the Room

My last weigh-in was not a success. :( It was the opposite of successful with a substantial gain: 3.9lbs. I think some of this is due to bloating, some of it is due to the fact that while the parents were here, I was a) distracted from eating a lot and b) sick a lot, so I ended up taking in a lot fewer points than normal--and I compensated for my starvation last week. Now, I'm hopefully back on track.
We had an amazing thunderstorm last night. Lots of thunder, lightening, and lots of rain. I really appreciate rain now that we have a lawn that is solely our responsibility and that we can't seem to keep moisturized with our sprinkler. The downside to the rain is that the permanent awning for the bay window in our house is leaking. I was freaking out last night so I slept on the couch, and was able to experience every drop as it worked its way down through the ceiling and out onto the floor (then the trash can that I put there, then the fleece blanket that I put over the trash can to muffle the sound).
Aside from the leak, we have two other big problems that I'm not sure how to handle: the power to the garage is totally gone. Though annoying, this is less of a problem than the sediment that comes out of our kitchen sink along with the water. I have NO idea what to do about that.
Greta's having a fun time today. Every time she hears anything outside she freaks out and yells at them. She needs a little (by which I mean a TON) of attention today.
With school getting ready to start on top of trying to finish my job which is both huge and boring on top of these house problems on top of handling my leadership positions this year on top of having to give a talk in church last Sunday (okay, so I'm over that part now), I feel super stressed. I'm at home all day working and so the old standby seems pretty attractive (I mean eating to relieve stress). The setbacks suck in this context. I need to get a to-do list. It's amazing how much better I feel when I have a clear outline of things to do.

I apologize if this post has been a bit of a downer. On the positive side, I found out that our library is awesome, has a ton of the books I like (fluffy mysteries) and has an awesome adult summer reading program which gets you actual, literal prizes each week rather than a stupid entry into a stupid contest with stupid prizes that you will never win. It hurts to pay those taxes, but it sure feels good to pretend like you're getting free stuff with the proceeds.