so sick today. I feel like my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and brain are encased in a goldfish bowl which is encased in my skull.
I skipped first period (11:10am class) but got to school in time for my 2nd class. Because I was AWESOME I stayed until the end of my 7:00pm class. After which I went to the gym. Going to the gym is great, even when you're sick, because at the end of the workout, you always feel better. I wasn't really dreading working out, though I still felt real crappy, but about five minutes on the glider machine and I was ready to QUIT-ola! 35 minutes later I was super ready to quit. I still feel doughy today. I know that even skinny people claim to have days where they feel "fat." I wonder if that's really true. Maybe someday I will find out for myself...
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Terrible, Rotten, No Good, Very Bad Day
So it wasn't really a bad day, objectively, but I had some hormonal issues that made it TERRIBLE even though good things were happening. I was soo angry. Unjustifiably filled with rage. Typically turned against my husband. For no good reason.
By the end of the day I was having tummy troubles (I think courtesy of the hormones) and so despite having consumed 29.5 points, ate roughly an 8 point snack--but I lost a lot of the snack in the bathroom later (not by choice).
Anyway, I weighed in for the first time in a while today. I was super nervous becuase I was afraid that 4 weeks of living large (literally) would have undone all my work. To my relief, I had put on .2lbs. I'm at....drumroll please....187.4lbs. That's the lowest weight I've maintained since I started college!!
I feel like I'm back on track now. I'm feeling good (except physically). I caught up on the extra-curricular stuff --and am pretty well caught up on my school stuff.
I feel like some elf has stuck it's dirty green finger up my nose. It feels like there's a long, sharp fingernail poking into my brain. Allergies. But now at least I'm not enraged anymore. :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
A new beginning!!
Goal: 30 points
Actual: 30 points!!
Note to self: don't try to make up all of the remaining points at the end of the day by binging at the end. It makes your tummy sad. a lot.
Tomorrow I get my elliptical machine!!
I've also entered into a "Biggest Loser" Competish. Though I'm not super-comfortable with the premise of biggest loser, which is to lose an unhealthy amount of weight at a time through shame and overstrenuous exercise. Real weight loss is slow. It's still painful, but mainly for the impatient. You win when you lose the bigest proportion of weight. Which means that if a hundred pound person lost 10lbs (it's late and I can't think of a more plausible and healthy scenario) they would lose 10%, but for a person that weighs 200lbs, the same loss is just 5%--but it's a much bigger deal for the heavier person because they have to overcome bad habits like stress eating, in order to do it. Having made it this far, I can honestly say it's a miracle that anyone can lose weight. It's hard. It's frustrating. The worst part for me is that no one ever says anything, like "ooh! you've lost weight!" or anything like that. I wonder if it made a difference at all.
Anyway, my point is that slow and steady weight loss is better than a cycle of binges and purges, which is what you get when you try to lose weight too quickly. Do I want to set myself up for that? I don't want to lose the "biggest loser" competition because I lose weight too slowly and must obviously be lazy or stupid or something--simply because I'm trying to take the more lasting route.
Actual: 30 points!!
Note to self: don't try to make up all of the remaining points at the end of the day by binging at the end. It makes your tummy sad. a lot.
Tomorrow I get my elliptical machine!!
I've also entered into a "Biggest Loser" Competish. Though I'm not super-comfortable with the premise of biggest loser, which is to lose an unhealthy amount of weight at a time through shame and overstrenuous exercise. Real weight loss is slow. It's still painful, but mainly for the impatient. You win when you lose the bigest proportion of weight. Which means that if a hundred pound person lost 10lbs (it's late and I can't think of a more plausible and healthy scenario) they would lose 10%, but for a person that weighs 200lbs, the same loss is just 5%--but it's a much bigger deal for the heavier person because they have to overcome bad habits like stress eating, in order to do it. Having made it this far, I can honestly say it's a miracle that anyone can lose weight. It's hard. It's frustrating. The worst part for me is that no one ever says anything, like "ooh! you've lost weight!" or anything like that. I wonder if it made a difference at all.
Anyway, my point is that slow and steady weight loss is better than a cycle of binges and purges, which is what you get when you try to lose weight too quickly. Do I want to set myself up for that? I don't want to lose the "biggest loser" competition because I lose weight too slowly and must obviously be lazy or stupid or something--simply because I'm trying to take the more lasting route.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Frownie Face
In this picture, I tried to look like a basic cartoon frownie face. It's a lot harder than it seems like it should be.If my life right now were an elementary school term paper, I just feel like it would have lots and lots of frownie faces.
My house is a mess. People keep coming over and I'm like "We're just unpacking still" but what I'm really thinking is, "this house looks like one of those houses they bust into when they find abused children and animals that are all covered in crap and are unfit for human habitation."
And to feel better about my house, I just keep eating. I feel like I can't stop. I haven't been recording my WW points for about 2 weeks, and I don't know how to pull myself back onto the wagon.
At school, I keep totally forgetting things: I'll read only half of the assigned reading, I'll forget to do my duties with my student groups. I'll remember later when people start feeling bad cause I forgot to give them attention--but until then, it's gone forever.
I know these things have easy fixes, but I'm tired a lot, they seem overwhelming, and at the end of the day, I feel like I'll never be able to get back on top of it. I feel like I'm in a big ball of shortening, and though I know that all I need to do is trim the fat, I'm already totally immobilized by it.
The one step I will take, though, is to start posting my points for the day in my blog posts, so that I have some sense of accountability. I don't know it for today (though technically it's tomorrow and my points count is 0.)
I don't want to get to the end of the rope just to hang on at the bottom. I want to swing to a better, longer rope--better yet, a ladder, and start getting out of this funk.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Stained Bed, Strained Back, and Beyond!!
This is my dog:
This is what she doesn't know how to do.
And this is why we have a water-proof mattress cover.
My back is also quite sore. My books weigh more than the 23.5lbs I've lost so far and carrying them around in my backpack is like being pregnant backwards.
I came home from Columbus today. I had to drop a class to make it home early, and quite frankly, that was fine with me.
I didn't exercise today, though I got workouts in on Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow I get my very own elliptical machine!! (second-hand from a friend). I'm also hoping to get lots of exercise the rest of this week by working on getting my house in order (which seems to have become a life's pursuit--and also seems more and more likely to be thwarted every passing day).
The best part about being home (aside from Greta's orgy of urine spraying all over the bed) is that right now, my sweet husband is trying to work the knots out of my back. Good luck.
This is what she doesn't know how to do.And this is why we have a water-proof mattress cover.
My back is also quite sore. My books weigh more than the 23.5lbs I've lost so far and carrying them around in my backpack is like being pregnant backwards.
I came home from Columbus today. I had to drop a class to make it home early, and quite frankly, that was fine with me.
I didn't exercise today, though I got workouts in on Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow I get my very own elliptical machine!! (second-hand from a friend). I'm also hoping to get lots of exercise the rest of this week by working on getting my house in order (which seems to have become a life's pursuit--and also seems more and more likely to be thwarted every passing day).
The best part about being home (aside from Greta's orgy of urine spraying all over the bed) is that right now, my sweet husband is trying to work the knots out of my back. Good luck.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Dr. Laura, heal thyself
So I heard Dr. Laura talking about how she is going to quit having a show so she can say whatever she wants. Maybe she should quit her show and go to a basic civics class. I don't have a tv show--I barely have a blog. But I still can't say ANYTHING I want. When I'm living my normal, unfamous, life and I go to the movies, I can't yell "FIRE!!" (unless there really is one). I can't post a list on facebook of the people I'd like to kill (though just to reassure folks, there's no one I have in mind for such a thing, either). I can't scream at my kids (if I had kids) that I'm going to kill them. These things represent the kind of menacing threats that the law punishes criminally. I can't say that my neighbor, x, is a corrupt, fire-starting liar (unless it's true), or make false claims about the effectiveness of my patented dehumidifier if it is really just a humming, plastic box. These represent statements that the law punishes civilly. Finally, there's Dr. Laura's new buzz-word. The N word. If I said that word in public, I probably wouldn't render myself legally liable, but I would find myself liable to be beat up--and I would deserve it. These are social rules, and even if you can't be assessed damages for your violation of them, a decent, well-ordered society relies on them to function.
Some folks that argue that some black people, including some high profile rappers and musicians, use the N-word, so it's okay for anyone to use it. Their logic is apparently that if some people have personally "rehabilitated" a word that formerly represented the denigration of their race, then the whole community must be okay with it. They state as evidence a few catchy rap songs. People need to stop being so sensitive, they assert. I wonder if to them that means forgetting an oppressed past, forgetting how easily a technology-blessed majority can crush the dignity out of a minority they believe to be inferior.
I had a friend who was born in the USA, but her parents were from India. At my high school, several of the other people of Indian descent would joke about being "brown," and these jokes were soon adopted by white students who would (apparently without malice) start repeating them. Though my friend shared the same race with those who appreciated the jokes, she was deeply offended by them. In a predominately white high school, she found herself being singled out by her race by people who didn't consider her aversion to being referred to in this way.
It is not for us to stereotype any group to the extent that we believe a term that "used to be" offensive, or that singles them out by race is okay to use, just because we've seen some members of that race refer to themselves that way. I may joke myself about being incredibly pale-skinned, but if someone called me a "cracker" I'd be pretty offended, because of all that word stands for and has stood for in the past.
Supersensitivity does not breed a healthy society, but neither does a blanket assumption that the past doesn't still hurt in the present. We have enough racism in this society without someone like Dr. Laura hauling out the same, lame excuses racists have used for decades. If the benefit is being able to function in society, have friends of many different backgrounds, and be known as a person who shows respect for others, the cost of eliminating hate words (even so-called "rehabilitated" ones) from your vocabulary is a small price to pay.
Some folks that argue that some black people, including some high profile rappers and musicians, use the N-word, so it's okay for anyone to use it. Their logic is apparently that if some people have personally "rehabilitated" a word that formerly represented the denigration of their race, then the whole community must be okay with it. They state as evidence a few catchy rap songs. People need to stop being so sensitive, they assert. I wonder if to them that means forgetting an oppressed past, forgetting how easily a technology-blessed majority can crush the dignity out of a minority they believe to be inferior.
I had a friend who was born in the USA, but her parents were from India. At my high school, several of the other people of Indian descent would joke about being "brown," and these jokes were soon adopted by white students who would (apparently without malice) start repeating them. Though my friend shared the same race with those who appreciated the jokes, she was deeply offended by them. In a predominately white high school, she found herself being singled out by her race by people who didn't consider her aversion to being referred to in this way.
It is not for us to stereotype any group to the extent that we believe a term that "used to be" offensive, or that singles them out by race is okay to use, just because we've seen some members of that race refer to themselves that way. I may joke myself about being incredibly pale-skinned, but if someone called me a "cracker" I'd be pretty offended, because of all that word stands for and has stood for in the past.
Supersensitivity does not breed a healthy society, but neither does a blanket assumption that the past doesn't still hurt in the present. We have enough racism in this society without someone like Dr. Laura hauling out the same, lame excuses racists have used for decades. If the benefit is being able to function in society, have friends of many different backgrounds, and be known as a person who shows respect for others, the cost of eliminating hate words (even so-called "rehabilitated" ones) from your vocabulary is a small price to pay.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Take your *@#$& shoes back!!
today I learned what it was like to be my husband for 2 years. those are actually my shoes in the picture. it looks like there's something VERY wrong with my feet, but maybe you should try taking a picture of your own feet by holding your big laptop like a camera whose lens you can't see through and your feet will look weird too!!
I walked a mile in my husband's shoes today. For the past two years, he's been living at the home of friends from church while I've been in Columbus in our "family home" studying law. Now he's in our family home--a real, beautiful, happy, place, in Cleveland and I am living with the friends. (not the same friends--but wouldn't that be weird? we'd be like their kids!)
Frankly, today was exhausting. I feel like I've been beaten.
I woke up at 6:50am while my husband slept in (another role reversal!) and got dressed, took the dog out, ate breakfast alone. Said goodbye to my husband--he huddled inside the house in his underwear so the neighbors couldn't see him. He clutched Greta to his chest to keep her from escaping. In the bluish light of early morning, he looked like a super politically incorrect parody of a refugee protectively snuggling a child to their bosom. Then I was off. I was so sad, lonely and apprehensive--worried about the tasks that lay ahead. The drive seemed to take hours. And it did. But it seemed to take several hours more than the 2 and a half that elapsed on my watch. For all I know I'm still on the road, having fallen asleep, crashed and fallen into unconsciousness and all this is a dream....
When I arrived at school (or at least I think I did) I was struck again by a feeling of loneliness. I happened to walk in just as a million 1Ls were wandering around, and I didn't know anybody. This was not the triumphant on-top-of-the-world high school senior experience I was hoping for. Class. blah. I did the wrong reading for one class, and the rest of the classes we didn't get to the reading at all. In the mean time I had to post up a list of the new members of my law journal. The new members already knew they were new (hehe) but they wanted everyone else to know it--it didn't help that all four other journals already posted their membership lists last Thursday. So I kept getting in trouble for my laziness. (I actually just forgot). I tried to repent and post a list but the printer got all fouled up so it took my whole day to finally post the suckers. They look great though.
Weight loss wise, I kept track of my intake better than I have been and also took time to go to the gym near school. It felt really good. I brought clothes to change into to exercise and then change back and go back to class--and that included underwear. The net result was that I was wearing far fewer layers of clothes in public than I had since I got married. The net result of that was me feeling quite uncomfortable about showing so much skin, while simultaneously feeling so free when the breeze would touch that same exposed skin. I feel like I should clarify that I was wearing gym shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt--I didn't look skanky, but it was different to just have the old sports bra on underneath.
Anyway. The workout was good. I plan to do it again someday. Hopefully that day will be tomorrow, but unfortunately, I have to exercise at a different time every day due to my class and extra-curricular schedules. :(
All day I was thinking about my husband. Not just because I missed him, but for the first time I was truly appreciating the sacrifice he had made for me. You have to leave your house and the person and dog that you love (and the parrot that you pretty much hate--that's less hard) and drive forever and ever just to START a day of hard work that leaves you feeling totally exhausted. Then you go home to the house that isn't yours and watch with dismay as two black cats swirl around your feet--two black cats that you're allergic too and whose mere presence causes your bronchi to puff up angrily. (It is super weird that we both live(d) in houses with black cats--I didn't know until today that there were cats in this place. I'm trying to think well-ventilated thoughts.)
So I am homesick for the man who went through all this just to hear me complain about law school all the time. I'm homesick for the little brown dog that used to be my "weekday husband." I'm actually pretty pleased to be rid of the evil, biting parrot for a couple of days.
Having walked a mile in my husband's shoes, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to return them. But I'll be home soon, and after all, I have miles to go before I sleep...
Frankly, today was exhausting. I feel like I've been beaten.
I woke up at 6:50am while my husband slept in (another role reversal!) and got dressed, took the dog out, ate breakfast alone. Said goodbye to my husband--he huddled inside the house in his underwear so the neighbors couldn't see him. He clutched Greta to his chest to keep her from escaping. In the bluish light of early morning, he looked like a super politically incorrect parody of a refugee protectively snuggling a child to their bosom. Then I was off. I was so sad, lonely and apprehensive--worried about the tasks that lay ahead. The drive seemed to take hours. And it did. But it seemed to take several hours more than the 2 and a half that elapsed on my watch. For all I know I'm still on the road, having fallen asleep, crashed and fallen into unconsciousness and all this is a dream....
When I arrived at school (or at least I think I did) I was struck again by a feeling of loneliness. I happened to walk in just as a million 1Ls were wandering around, and I didn't know anybody. This was not the triumphant on-top-of-the-world high school senior experience I was hoping for. Class. blah. I did the wrong reading for one class, and the rest of the classes we didn't get to the reading at all. In the mean time I had to post up a list of the new members of my law journal. The new members already knew they were new (hehe) but they wanted everyone else to know it--it didn't help that all four other journals already posted their membership lists last Thursday. So I kept getting in trouble for my laziness. (I actually just forgot). I tried to repent and post a list but the printer got all fouled up so it took my whole day to finally post the suckers. They look great though.
Weight loss wise, I kept track of my intake better than I have been and also took time to go to the gym near school. It felt really good. I brought clothes to change into to exercise and then change back and go back to class--and that included underwear. The net result was that I was wearing far fewer layers of clothes in public than I had since I got married. The net result of that was me feeling quite uncomfortable about showing so much skin, while simultaneously feeling so free when the breeze would touch that same exposed skin. I feel like I should clarify that I was wearing gym shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt--I didn't look skanky, but it was different to just have the old sports bra on underneath.
Anyway. The workout was good. I plan to do it again someday. Hopefully that day will be tomorrow, but unfortunately, I have to exercise at a different time every day due to my class and extra-curricular schedules. :(
All day I was thinking about my husband. Not just because I missed him, but for the first time I was truly appreciating the sacrifice he had made for me. You have to leave your house and the person and dog that you love (and the parrot that you pretty much hate--that's less hard) and drive forever and ever just to START a day of hard work that leaves you feeling totally exhausted. Then you go home to the house that isn't yours and watch with dismay as two black cats swirl around your feet--two black cats that you're allergic too and whose mere presence causes your bronchi to puff up angrily. (It is super weird that we both live(d) in houses with black cats--I didn't know until today that there were cats in this place. I'm trying to think well-ventilated thoughts.)
So I am homesick for the man who went through all this just to hear me complain about law school all the time. I'm homesick for the little brown dog that used to be my "weekday husband." I'm actually pretty pleased to be rid of the evil, biting parrot for a couple of days.
Having walked a mile in my husband's shoes, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to return them. But I'll be home soon, and after all, I have miles to go before I sleep...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Weight Loss from the Perspective of the Eaten
I was literally bitten by an ostrich at the fair. I tried to give it a carrot chip and it almost took my whole hand off. without drawing blood or leaving any lasting damage. it was super scary though. admittedly, the carrot got the brunt. and now i have a paralyzing ostrich phobia. which i will call struthiophobia (struthio is greek for ostrich).
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