down down down

Today I went down to Columbus again. But first I went down in the basement, where my weight had gone down on the scale. I was really excited because with this newest loss, I had lost 7lbs in 3 weeks!! And then I did my math again and realized that I actually hadn't. Still, I've lost 4.6lbs in 3 weeks and that ain't shabby!

It's that time of the month again, and I am constantly hungry. I can eat a meal just to ask, "when do we get to eat again?"

my solution to this has been eating lots of snacks throughout the day, rather than particular meals. when I get hungry. I eat something. It seems to be working pretty well. By the end of the day, I had stayed within my points budget and I didn't feel ravenous. I'm pretty sure that even if I had gone over, it would be okay, because this cold snap, along with the monthlies, is a big energy drain.

Dang it. I'm hungry again....

great, but not good

if a stick-figure could be pregnant, this is what it would look like. but in this particular case, it is not pregnant with a baby--it is packed with carrots and diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper--a remarkably bad breakfast combination.

my tummy hurts today. I keep feeding it so that it will finally release all the pressure building up inside of it, but this doesn't seem to help anymore than not feeding it does.
I missed some classes today. Not a huge deal in year 3. I have a friend contemplating missing a full week of classes later in the semester. Honestly, I think at this point that that's probably okay too.

My tummy and jaw are conspiring to make me feel really frustrated right now, but this morning, I found out I had dropped 1.6lbs in the past week. This was super good news--if I felt like I cared right now.

come on, tummy!! regain your equilibrium. I gave you a lot of vegetables today!!
(my kind roommate just gave me some Gas-X, so hopefully this is the beginning of the end)

Cranky Whiner-pants

Today we went to our friends' house. They have the cutest toddler in the world. We gave her a sour gummy pumpkin candy. She liked it. She wanted another. Her parents said no. She dissolved into tears and had to go to bed. I know exactly how she feels.

I just want sugar sugar sugar sugar, with a little bit of lard on top. My sweet tooth is going crazy because I just feel super stressed out. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW! I DON'T WANT TO WATCH WHAT I EAT!! I DON'T WANT TO DO BIGGEST LOSER ANYMORE!! I'M TIRED OF COMPETING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE LOSING 4-9LBS A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY JAW HURTS ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!

Now that the tirade is over, I'm going to have some fresh baby carrots and go to bed.

Ow!! Ow!! OWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWWOWOW!!!

my husband felt like I needed to clarify that the affected finger is not my middle finger, so I am not, in fact, flipping off the camera. I feel that it's important to clarify that my finger looks a lot more swollen than was caused by this injury because I have an enormous writing bump on my finger's left side just a little ways under the nail--so though it looks like my bone may have shifted sideways there--it didn't. The injury was funny in that it hurt so bad, but the worst-looking damage came from what was basically an exfoliating treatment on my finger-skin. It peeled off the top layer of skin and piled it up near my nail bed. That's also where the big impact was, so I'm a little afraid to remove the skin.

I needed a reminder why morning proactivity is bad. So I bounded up the stairs, checked up on Jimmy, the Monk Parrot who moved back into our house because it was cold outside, and promptly shut my *(&@#$%*@(#* finger in the #*@&#*%^@* window cause I was trying to open it to give a real nature experience to my #*@#*%(@*#%#^@*#^%(@*#*%^@ bird. And now I need chocolate. Yay.

Actually though, this morning I noted a definite smaller-ness in my abdomen (which is always the last to show any effect whatsoever.) I felt really, really pleased. Until said ouchie happened....

It feels like my nail bed is having contractions. Well, okay, technically I don't know what real contractions feel like, but every couple of minutes I get a sharp pain in my nail bed that feels like it is constraining and then eventually releasing. And I think that's close enough to count. I'm wondering if my nail will fall off. That would be a bummer. albeit kind of an awesome bummer. I did get a gift certificate in the mail yesterday for a complimentary manicure and pedicure for new clients at this one salon. I wonder if they would be willing to just paint my nail bed if the worst should happen?

Does my Jaw Make Me Look Fat?

the dentist reports that the crack between my front teeth and the crack between my bottom teeth is off by 3mm. apparently that is not a good thing.

For the past year, I've been experiencing intense, chronic ear pain. I went to the ear doc a couple weeks ago, only to learn that things are peachy as far as they are concerned. They recommended visiting a dentist to ascertain whether I was suffering from the dreaded TMJ!!!!! (a side note: TMJ is just short for the temporomandibular joints, which everybody has--the actual disorder is commonly known as TMD or TMJD--my doc said that what I'm suffering from is basically jaw arthritis) So I went to the dentist yesterday, and all is not as it should be in my mouth. On the one hand, I'm happy to have a diagnosis. On the other hand, TMJ bodes for a costly and unpleasant treatment that could include mouth guards, and from the research (and talking to dental wives), maybe even surgery. Having seen my own jaw deterioration--as well as my cross-bite (on one side I have the natural over-bite--my top teeth hang over my bottom teeth--on the other side I have an underbite--this means that I can't put all my back teeth together at once. They just don't fit!) and learning that I have gum recession due to my bad bite alignment--I find myself unable to stop thinking about the problem. Because I'm thinking about it, the pain seems to be more acute--I'm not distracted the way I usually am.

I'm also thinking about the other things associated with TMJ. Headaches, shoulder and back tension, chronic pain leading to heightened anxiety and depression, my need for naps all the time, even my stress eating. Over the past year, my body has been chronically stressed out over this--you use your jaw for everything, from breathing (yes, I'm a mouth breather), to talking, to eating. I've noticed my interactions have, due to a combination of pain and the anxiety I feel when I'm in pain, become increasingly difficult. The truth is, I'm a cranky, impatient lady a lot. I know it bugs my husband, and I can sense that I'm being unreasonable--but sometimes, when I give vent to the distress that I feel inside, I actually feel a little better--until I feel worse for taking it out on my husband.

A jaw disorder can make eating more painful--thus a lot of chewy things are kind of out of the diet right now--but it also makes me long for comfort foods that can take my mind off of the pain. Because the way I feel almost constantly is that my right eustacian tube is being pinched up near my ear-hole. I pop my ear like a million times a day with no real comfort derived from it. My jaw is super-tense and it feels like my eardrum wants to explode but never quite gets there. I have headaches basically every day, and feel very, very fatigued, especially when I need to concentrate on school work, etc.

Even as I gripe about this (and pray fervently that I'll find relief), I think about all the other people out there with way more serious health issues than mine. I know a girl who has bad, bad arthritis--and always has. I can't imagine living in that kind of chronic systemic pain forever. Or my aunt, who suffered a terrible form of intestinal cancer for about a decade before she eventually died. I'm counting my blessings even as I live in constant reminder that one out of whack system in your bod can throw off your whole lifestyle.

Hopefully, as I continue to get treatment (in 2 weeks I find out what the damage is going to be), I can start to regain the person that I want to be, and feel less like I'm just going through the motions of healthy living.

50th Post!!

Today, I felt really wiped out by the time I got home. I went to the gym after school and rode the exercise bike. I went for moderate speed at high intensity so it felt pretty good--though hard.

I felt a little low blood pressurey after the workout, but then I ate a delicious whole fruit lime popsicle and I felt a lot better. Sushi for dinner followed by a little tres leches cake courtesy of my fantastic roommate was great. I'm trying to hold out for a more reasonable bedtime, but I might crash at any moment!! I think the cat allergies are getting to me a bit, too.

I could tell I was tired because I put my hand behind my head to relax, lost my wedding ring in my hair, and it took 10 minutes to dig it out of my pony tail.

After the hard part's over

Life seems a little better. I learned tonight that even the most awful things come to an end--specifically my interminable legal negotiation class that meets on mondays from 4:20pm to 7:00pm and today included such highlights as a 2 hours discussion of "Getting to Yes"--a book that doesn't take two hours to read in the first place, and breaking into groups to "brainstorm" what we could do with a stop sign. I was going to raise my hand and suggest a place for him to put a stop sign, but fortunately forbore.

The best part is dinner: It is a Kashi frozen meal, and it is the best looking frozen meal I've ever seen.

Enjoy:
are those vegetables I see? yes, yes they are.

Unhappily Back at School

Mondays are the worst
especially after a 2.5 hour drive
especially worrying about the fact that the back bumper of the car has popped out from its bolt on one side and knowing how to fix it but not having the welding torch it would entail
especially when you have the heaviest backpack ever
especially when said backpack breaks and gapes open as you walk across the busy street without a walk signal.
especially when you barely make it to the sidewalk before every single thing falls out onto the floor.
especially when you don't really have a back up plan for your book transport
especially when your books collectively weigh about 40lbs
especially when you have class til 7pm tonight
especially when you have a paper due in that class
especially when you can't finish the paper because you can't find the book it's based on
especially when your one point of high self esteem--a 1.5lb weight loss this week, is totally overshadowed by another Biggest Loser competitor's tremendous loss of 4lbs--
especially when their starting weight was 146lbs
especially when you're worried about being eliminated
especially since a cash prize is on the line
especially since you ate 3 cookies this morning just to stay awake in the car ride down
and overall, especially since you're tired, you miss your husband and puppy, you feel very discouraged in class and you can't imagine a world where you would care enough about the topics being discussed to be able to follow the discussion, let alone meaningfully contribute.

Does Blood Loss Count as Weight Loss?

So I had an awesome picture of when I donated blood and all the iodine on my arm turned green for some as-yet inexplicable reason. But somehow in the process of saving it, it turned into a text file. That cannot be opened. Neato.

Anyway, a recap:

1. Last weekend was the Indian Wedding!! (When I find that dumb thing that I've been promising to find for days and days, I will use it to upload pictures from my camera to the computer. Here's some highlights:
a. Sangeet: traditionally a party where women celebrate with the bride, men have been coming to the Sangeet since about the 1950s. Most of the activities are still geared toward women, however. Because I was one of the tallest (best moment ever) women there, I helped bring Marinda (the bride) in under a canopy. I am not a huge fan of the way my bod looks in this picture, but that's okay, because:

b. Escorting the groom to the bride's "house"--traditionally marriages in India took place at the Bride's home--the family and friends of the groom would escort him there on a white horse or elephant, etc. Because there were a jillion guests and the bride lived in California, the wedding instead took place at a banquet center on a golf course--but the wedding party still went through the tradition of delivering the groom. It took a really long time for us to get from the parking lot to the banquet center--not because of distance, but just because we were all sort of unclear on what was happening, what our route was, etc. Finally the carriage just started plowing through the crowd and that got us moving--having horse drool on your saree is just not....neat.

all of us danced to celebrate. and danced. and danced. and danced. and got no closer to the banquet hall.

...so the horse had to come straighten us out--notice how ruthless the driver looks. If you look closely, you'll see that Amit (the groom) is holding a little baby. The baby's daddy is standing protectively to the right of the carriage. In Indian weddings, typically the youngest male member of the groom's family trides with the groom. Since, in this case, that would be weird, since the youngest male member of the groom's family other than the groom is the groom's older brother, they fudged and used Marinda's 3 month old nephew instead. Much cuter.

c. The wedding itself: was amazing. It lasted about a hour, and we loaded up on snacks and drinks beforehand. It was very ornate and deserves a blog post all to itself, but at least here's a picture of the most amazing part--the altar.

the wedding ceremony takes place in sanskrit. The dark-haired man to the far left who is just barely in the picture, translated for us. Marinda is on the altar at this point. You can't really see it, but she has a thick nose-ring connected to her veil. Amit is standing next to Marinda (though he's hidden by a pillar) and on either side of the happy couple are their respective parents. At this point, Marinda and Amit were both wearing cream-colored scarves that were bound together to represent their union. At this point, there was a fire lit on the altar, and the bride and groom circled around it four times, stopping before each time around to throw some puffed rice into the fire. Given the size of the altar, the heavy and abundant clothing the bride and groom were wearing, and the need to keep leaning over the fire to throw things in, I was constantly on the edge of my seat in the fear that one or the other of them was going to catch on fire. But they didn't, and at the end they exchanged heavy flower leis as a symbol of their married status.

2. Biggest Loser (neighborhood version) has started!! I'm super nervous about the first weigh-in, but I've been trying to exercise and eat right. I bulked up a bit for this--okay, I gained one pound--because I didn't want to lose when there wasn't anything on the line. The winner gets a cash prize contributed by each competitor as a fee for joining. I was stressed out, because I wondered if my "easy-does-it" slow weight loss would be okay, but having seen the results from last "cycle" it looks like the slow and steady people are the ones who win in the end. So I've recommitted to losing weight (but, oh! is it hard as school is starting, the days are getting shorter, etc. !!)

3. I owe the entire planet an apology because I drove so much this week. I drove down to school on Tuesday (2.5 hours), back home Tuesday evening because I forgot something that I needed for my friend to go to the football game this week (2.5 hours), back to school Wednesday morning (2.5 hours) and back home Wednesday night (2.5 hours). For members of our home audience who are keeping score, that's 10 hours in 2 days!! This almost goes without saying, but I slept a LOT yesterday.

4. Ooh!! and we got a new couch!! It is awesome!! Well, right now it's actually blocking our front door--which is not quite as awesome, but soon it will be set up and then it will be totally awesome. But we still have a couch problem, which is that Greta keeps crawling under our old couch, getting stuck because she's twice as tall as she was when she was a baby and could just run under there, and crying until she gets help. SHE NEVER LEARNS HER LESSON FROM THIS, and literally goes under the couch four or five times a day. We've stopped rescuing her, and now she is able to barely squeeze out on her own--it kind of reminds me of when I try to squeeze into my skinny clothes. This must be what it's like to have a kid who cuts himself.