Bad Pie and Dirty Fun

Part of losing weight is learning to plan ahead for meals. Frankly, it's a must-have tool for anybody who doesn't like to spend 40 hours a week at the store or eat out every night. It's something that I am not very good at. So I'm starting small. I want to prepare to have fresh fruits and vegetables to eat whenever I am hungry. So, at the store, I buy a bunch of peaches, bananas, grapes, carrots, tomatoes, etc. The other trick is to actually eat the things you buy. We had to go on a break from bananas because they go bad so quickly here--but we're back on and on our third batch of eating them while they're still fresh. For the first time last week, we ate a bunch of grapes before they went bad--and a whole tomato. Apples and peaches are tough--not when they're good, but when they're icky, it taints the experience for a while, and the rest start to get icky while you're trying to get over your first bad experience.
Anyway, yesterday was the day we restocked on our plant matter. We were also invited to dinner the next day and had volunteered to take dessert. I have rediscovered a love for Marie Calendar's razzleberry pies---we could never take on a whole pie by ourselves (frankly, I think I could, but the lower-calorie lifestyle won't support it)--and so this way we can foist most of it on other people and still get our jollies without busting our bellies. We got the pie and drove home. It's in the frozen section and has to be frozen basically right up until you cook it. But apparently, at our grocery store, just because a pie is in the frozen section does not mean that it is frozen. When I took the pie out of the bag, all of the juice (the pie weighs 2lbs 8oz and I think the juice comprises about 2lbs of that) gushed out all over the fridge, the floor, and the dog. The dog didn't mind--she even helped us clean it up off the floor (we used napkins--she used her tongue). We took the pie back to the store and demanded a refund. They refused, and so we left, but not before smearing the big glass automatic front doors with what was left of the pie. It looked like someone had been squashed when the doors closed on them. To add to the effect, I used my finger to scrawl in the mess, "[store name] kills!!" Then we ran away.

That last part *might* be a fib. We actually got a refund without any trouble and they ran back to see if the rest of their frozen goods were kaput.

So I was feeling bummed about pie. Until 10:00pm when it was time for the "World's Largest Local Pie Fight" in Coventry, a small sort of commercially-bohemian neighborhood about 5 miles from our house. Every Thursday night they have themed music and a movie--except for yesterday, when they had cartoons and a pie fight. They provided the pie crusts, and we provided the whipped cream (for future reference, if you're making pies JUST out of whipped cream, 1 can of the stuff is only good for about 1 and 1/3 pies. If you skimp you can make two "okay" pies--but that will totally exhaust your supply. Next time we will bring more than 2 cans. Anyway, there were all sorts of people there--a lot of tweens and teenagers in big groups, but also some kids our age, and even middle-aged people with their kids. When they started the fight, my husband and I immediately turned on each other. [as a sidebar, I think that we have a great marriage--but it still felt so good to throw a pie in his face--it was really primal therapy for the frustrations that can arise when you live together full-time] Most of the groups did the same--but as soon as everybody in your group had some pie on them, you just went for broke, hurling pies and cream and crust at anybody in your sight line. There was lots of whipped cream on the ground from the initial onslaught, and it was easy to just scoop some up and toss it (though I did hear a guy say to his girlfriend, "I thought this was whipped cream, but I think it's just dog poop!" before he smeared what he was holding onto her shirt. [he was kidding--i hope and pray]. It was so much fun, but as quickly as it started, it began to slow down. Everybody was coated. I had gotten off fairly easily, or so I thought, as I went to search for my husband. Then someone I passed on my quest randomly shoved a pie right in my face. It covered my eye (I had on glasses) and went in my ear. I was laughing so hard. I finally spotted my husband, but on the way I picked up a pristine pie crust. When he laughed at my misfortune, I smashed the pie crust into his hair (that sounds like it would hurt his head but his hair is pretty long and really thick so it just got inundated with crumbs rather his skull getting bruised and broken.) My husband doesn't like messes, or to be sticky, or to have crumbs on him, and so I felt like this pie fight was an amazing step for him. It was the first time he's purposely chosen to get all gross, and I wanted to make the most of it.
When it was all over, we limped up the hill, with a haze of whipped cream blurring our vision and gobs of pie crust stuck in our ears. My husband looked like he had a gross skin growth on his neck from all the pie crust. We came home and showered intensively. It turns out that cream makes your skin and hair really soft and smooth (and graham cracker crust exfoliates!!) I will definitely be going back again next year. The best part is that it was a physically active way to be involved with food, and it was so exciting that I didn't even want dessert when we got home!