my representation of my husband and me. in real life we both have hair
I honestly don't know where these rules come from, but I know them and I know that many people at one time or another have been confronted by them in their relationships. When a man and a woman are in a relationship, the woman should: 1) be younger than the man, 2) be shorter than the man, 3) be skinnier than the man.
Think of all the fuss that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher caused when they started dating. Think of the night my Grandpa introduced his parents to his slightly taller fiance (my grandmother) and all his mother could say was "She's too big for you!" (Maybe in German it sounds nicer.) Think of Sandra Bullock saying she would kill herself in While You Were Sleeping if her pants were big enough to fit Bill Pullman. Of Jack Sprat and wife, for crying out loud! Now think of me. As of last weigh-in, I weigh about 50lbs more than my husband. And it feels...sad. Granted, he's a bit of a featherweight and I have never been. BUT, I still feel like there's something wrong with me for violating this carnal rule. And then I really thought about it.
There is no reason why any of these rules exist! (unless perhaps you consider the age one--males typically have a shorter lifespan and so if a woman marries an older man, there doesn't have to be such a long stretch between his death and hers (but that's only assuming both die natural deaths, both are average members of their sex in their country, and both lack any underlying medical conditions)--this is not really a compelling reason in my opinion). Love can strike regardless of age, height, or waist size.
But it bothers me. I wonder if my husband really thinks I'm attractive if I'm not small enough to pick up and carry around, if when I wear his shirts I stretch out the chest, and if my pants could not only fit him, but would require a belt and suspenders just to keep from falling down around his ankles.
I must admit that my ultimate weight loss goal is a little less than my husband's weight (His weight is at the top end of my healthy weight range.) That makes me feel as though I'm doing this just to follow a stupid unspoken societal rule. But even if just implied, these rules really can hurt. I feel like I'm not feminine enough. In photos I stand slightly behind him so that I don't look as big in comparison. I get paranoid sometimes at social events that our weight discrepancy is inviting judgment. BUT THIS IS WRONG. THIS IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
When I ask my husband, he tells me he loves me just the way I am. When I talk about losing weight, he doesn't treat it as though I will become more attractive to him, but rather makes it clear that he is proud of me for becoming healthier. He is the one who helps me believe that these rules don't matter, and the one who will support me no matter what.
When I lose weight, it doesn't mean that I did it to fulfill a social expectation. But how do you balance your personal integrity with your weight loss goals? I can't help appreciating that my husband can lift me now. If I continue to lose weight, I won't feel like a sell-out if my clothes don't billow around him.
There are many reasons why people want to lose weight. There are at least as many factors behind two people falling in love. I won't deny that physical appearance plays a role. But I also know that sparks can still fly even if the two of you wouldn't be paired together in a romantic comedy.
Think of all the fuss that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher caused when they started dating. Think of the night my Grandpa introduced his parents to his slightly taller fiance (my grandmother) and all his mother could say was "She's too big for you!" (Maybe in German it sounds nicer.) Think of Sandra Bullock saying she would kill herself in While You Were Sleeping if her pants were big enough to fit Bill Pullman. Of Jack Sprat and wife, for crying out loud! Now think of me. As of last weigh-in, I weigh about 50lbs more than my husband. And it feels...sad. Granted, he's a bit of a featherweight and I have never been. BUT, I still feel like there's something wrong with me for violating this carnal rule. And then I really thought about it.
There is no reason why any of these rules exist! (unless perhaps you consider the age one--males typically have a shorter lifespan and so if a woman marries an older man, there doesn't have to be such a long stretch between his death and hers (but that's only assuming both die natural deaths, both are average members of their sex in their country, and both lack any underlying medical conditions)--this is not really a compelling reason in my opinion). Love can strike regardless of age, height, or waist size.
But it bothers me. I wonder if my husband really thinks I'm attractive if I'm not small enough to pick up and carry around, if when I wear his shirts I stretch out the chest, and if my pants could not only fit him, but would require a belt and suspenders just to keep from falling down around his ankles.
I must admit that my ultimate weight loss goal is a little less than my husband's weight (His weight is at the top end of my healthy weight range.) That makes me feel as though I'm doing this just to follow a stupid unspoken societal rule. But even if just implied, these rules really can hurt. I feel like I'm not feminine enough. In photos I stand slightly behind him so that I don't look as big in comparison. I get paranoid sometimes at social events that our weight discrepancy is inviting judgment. BUT THIS IS WRONG. THIS IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
When I ask my husband, he tells me he loves me just the way I am. When I talk about losing weight, he doesn't treat it as though I will become more attractive to him, but rather makes it clear that he is proud of me for becoming healthier. He is the one who helps me believe that these rules don't matter, and the one who will support me no matter what.
When I lose weight, it doesn't mean that I did it to fulfill a social expectation. But how do you balance your personal integrity with your weight loss goals? I can't help appreciating that my husband can lift me now. If I continue to lose weight, I won't feel like a sell-out if my clothes don't billow around him.
There are many reasons why people want to lose weight. There are at least as many factors behind two people falling in love. I won't deny that physical appearance plays a role. But I also know that sparks can still fly even if the two of you wouldn't be paired together in a romantic comedy.
I really like this post. It's so great that your husband is supportive of your goals (whether they are weight-loss goals or otherwise). It's so much easier to accomplish something when you have someone else to encourage you and check up on you.
ReplyDeleteAlso I relate to what you're saying because my boyfriend is shorter than me. I think it felt weird once or twice, and sometimes I feel guilty when I wear tall heels because he becomes even shorter in comparison, but whatever. It's your relationship, and you should try to focus on how the two of you feel about it, rather than how society does. I love having a boyfriend who is short and cute, so it doesn't bother me if society thinks the man should be taller.
As a side note, there is another law student in our class who used the Weight Watchers program very successfully this past year or so. If you want to talk to him, remind me and I'll give you his name/email.
Thanks for inviting me to your blog!