13.8

this is me "before"

Food has a starring role in one of my earliest memories.

I am very young. I'm crawling on the floor--brown shag carpeting. I move toward the television stand. Something is playing but I'm more focused on my travels. The metal bars of the tv stand are cold against my arms as I move forward. I am distracted by something shiny and green. Because I am basically an infant I try to learn more about this strange new object by plopping it straight into my mouth. My eyes open wide! Tangy but sweet, my tongue feels like its dancing. I scarcely notice the brown fuzz that has hitched a ride into my mouth on board the sticky candy. For the first time, I feel love.

It would be years before I would realize how disgusting this experience really was, though I'm still partial to green apple Jolly Ranchers (I now prefer them to be wrapped, free of fuzz and not pre-sucked.) And gross as it is, I picture this event as the beginning of my lifetime love affair with food. As I entered my teens, my love affair begin to veer dangerously toward dependency. Food was always there for me, when friends and family didn't understand. Food accompanied moments of great triumph and great sadness. Whether I was celebrating my birthday or mourning the end of my first real relationship, there was a special meal to get me through it.
By the time I was 20, the net result of this relationship was a bulging waistline, low self-esteem, and a myriad of illnesses. I would try on and off to lose weight with exercise, dieting, and so forth, but would usually fall of the wagon the moment school got tough, or I had a fight with my boyfriend, or I was just tired and under stress.
About 2 months ago, I decided to try another program. It seems to be working because it focuses on portion control. These two months have included the purchase of a house, finals season, troubles with the land lord, the planning of a surprise party for my husband, and the search for a job, but I've been able to keep with the program. It has started to pay off. I'm down 13.8 pounds. This blog is the next step; to chronicle my struggles, triumphs, frustrations and explore my relationship with food.
And it's also more than that. I want to tell my story because I see myself as more than a number on a scale or on the clothes rack. I don't think that being my ideal weight will make me a better person, or change my value as a person. I'm well aware, however, that that is the type of thinking that surrounds the overweight continually--and I sometimes find myself falling prey to those thoughts myself.
What I want is more than just to lose weight. I want to be healthier and in better shape, but most of all I just want to be seen for who I really am--as a regular person who is losing weight for herself, but NOT to define herself.

this is me "after"
(note that the pose, angle and distance are different--the actual change is unfortunately not quite as dramatic as it appears).